


And we can have sex sometimes

by ARMEN15



Category: Bron | Broen | The Bridge
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/M, Family Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2019-11-01 07:40:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17863166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ARMEN15/pseuds/ARMEN15
Summary: Another what if to explore.....what if Saga Noren had decided to keep what Henrik Sabroe wanted so much? What could happen,  keeping the canon intact, except for that detail? How will Astrid Sabroe adapt?My purpose is to remain true to  characters as much as possibile, following their evolution on the path traced by se 4 ep 8.





	1. Chapter 1

AND WE CAN HAVE SEX SOMETIMES

CH 1 

PROLOGUE 

After Mads Sorensen's difficult morning in court, with a painful fight between sibling regarding their late mother’s will, the middle aged lawyer hoped for a quiet afternoon in his Copenhagen office.  
He was scheduled to meet around five a colleague to discuss the economic settlement of a divorce; the parts has already decided regarding how to manage their two teen children and only little details were needed before signing the final agreement.  
His secretary has added in the agenda another meeting at four, without names of the parts; a temporary default of the mail kept her so busy in making calls she had no time to complete the usual sheet for new customers.  
Sorensen entered the meeting room, a couple around forty was sat on two opposite chairs at the rectangular table.  
The man got up and the woman followed just a few seconds later; she was visibly pregnant, Sorensen saw her belly under the blue dress she wore.  
The lawyer imagined she was already six or seven months, remembering his wife during her two pregnancies, around thirty years ago.  
He listened with attention their request for a neutral counsellor regarding a problem he never faced before; the woman was determinate, her tone never betraying emotions.  
“I’ll give up all rights about his child. He'll have full single custody.”  
“I‘ll accept everything, but the mother’s name must appear on the birth certificate. And she will become the caretaker of my teen daughter, who is not of legal age. I don’t want, whatever happens to me, my children to be separated.”  
“How old is she?” Sorensen asked.  
“15, soon to be 16.”  
“You know she could become a legal tutor at 18, in case of need.”  
Sorensen studied the way the man was casting frequent glances at the woman; it seemed the look of a man deeply in love.  
After years as a lawyer, he learned a lot about people; his wife often hinted he’d be a good and sensitive priest, the way he listened to his customers and understood them.  
The woman asked for some water and the man was fast in filling a plastic glass from the courtesy bottle on the corner table; he handed her the glass like it was a precious cup.  
Sorensen wondered what lain beneath the surface of indifference the woman was showing.  
Was it a real indifference or a deep fear?  
What prompted her to give birth to the child she was carrying? Money? Faith? Inheritance?  
He took notes while they were speaking, he was Danish, she was Swedish, living in Denmark in his house, both were detectives in their respective countries, then put aside the pen. Time for some questions.  
“Do you know surrogate motherhood or the selling of a child are delicate matters, don't you? Are there other parts involved?”  
The woman denied.  
He turned to the man: his profession had shown him so many twists and turns he was ready for whatever surprise.  
“Do you have a domestic partner? Will she ..or he.. claim rights over this child?”  
“It's not a sale nor a surrogacy. No one else is involved. We've been partners for around three years. Biologically, the child is completely ours and will remain so. I'm a widow and she never married.”  
The woman nodded.  
“The pregnancy was unplanned. We sealed a pact before his older daughter was rescued after a long abduction and the younger found dead.”  
“Yes.” the man continued, “I've proposed her to terminate the pregnancy after I had my daughter back, but she wants to respect the pact.”  
“I’m not going to disappear, we’ll see each other now and again as sexual partners, but I don’t want to be involved in the growth and the upbringing of the child.”  
Sorensen’s first impression was right, they were afraid, the feelings they shared were stronger they could ever admit; his main duty was to protect their new life.  
“I'll prepare an agreement and you'll read it carefully before discussing it all together and then signing. Now I need your documents for our forms.”


	2. Chapter 2

CH 2

Henrik woke up at six in the morning when a nurse entered to take his temperature and blood pressure.  
At first he didn’t understand where he was, then the memories of the previous day hit him in full force; he touched the cold bars of the hospital bed, he scanned the unfamiliar surroundings of the aseptic room.  
His heart started beating faster, sweat on his forehead, fear in his gut, again.  
Kevin.  
Dead, motionless on the living room floor, blood and brain spilling out of the wound.  
Astrid.  
Writhing in pain while he stood up and tried to free her with his bare hands, telling her incoherent words, wiping away the tears from her face.  
Astrid, he barely lost, on the verge of the cliff, unable to protect the most important person in his life.  
Astrid, telling him in her native language that he was her father and so she was his.  
Astrid, in a room somewhere in the same hospital, alone, at the same time scared and glad to be alive.  
Astrid, to whom he pleaded his doctor to give his own blood for the transfusion, showing the card he had in his wallet as a registered donor.  
Saga.  
In perfect shooting position, the gun firmly in her hands. One shot, one kill.  
Saga, efficient as always, asking the paramedics to bring Astrid to a hospital fast, while he in shock could only hug her on the stroller.  
Saga, telling him Astrid was recovering after a successful surgery and resting under the effects of sedation.  
Saga, sitting on his bed, while he thanked her for having arrived in time.  
Saga, with a stiffness in her back, a bad fall when Susanne shoot, she explained him, and a scar on her hand.  
Saga, briefly caressing his arm, before leaving the room without a word, not looking back.  
Saga, her phone off, no way to leave a message, Lillian unaware of her whereabouts when Henrik reached his boss.  
Saga, pregnant with their child, that she planned to give him after the birth.  
Henrik was torn between two forces of the same intensity, his daughter and his woman.  
First thing, he had to see Astrid, be sure she was well; the doctor discarded him mid morning and he rushed to her room, crying when he saw her face, whiter than the pillow.  
She was still sleeping, on and off, so he hold her hand while checking texts on his phone.  
Nothing.  
Astrid woke, confused and scared, Henrik caressed her cheek, whispering soothing words: their dialogue was minimal, Astrid was clearly shocked by the shooting and in pain for the wound  
The nurse arrived with a food tray and Henrik helped Astrid to eat a few spoons of tasteless rice with boiled vegetables, insisting she had to eat something to counteract the effects of all the medicines in her stomach, promising her to find a small bar of chocolate for the evening.  
Astrid’s doctor decided to give her another strong painkiller and when she dozed off Henrik went to the station to talk with Lillian, hoping to meet Saga there. Her desk was neat and her stuff in the usual place. She had reported Lillian and then said she had to go to Linn, who on the phone denied Saga had contacted her.  
John verified her mobile had been off since the previous evening, around the time she left the hospital.  
Henrik returned there to talk with Astrid’s doctor and give his daughter dinner while John controlled car accidents and hospital admissions in a huge area of both countries.  
And if Saga wasn’t well? Or something happened to the baby?  
She had no place to stay, no friends to call, the Porsche was a car easy to identify, Lillian and Linn would accept to start a search only after 48 hours.  
Henrik had to pretend all was well with Astrid, who was feeling better and already wanted to leave the hospital.  
“I want to stay with you.”  
“I'll sleep here. I promised never leaving.” He eyed the armchair with a blanket, expecting a sore back the following day; it didn’t matter, he wanted to be with his daughter, there had been too many nights someone else, not him, soothed her colds or her toothache. His discomfort was irrelevant, compared to her need of a father.  
“I hate hospitals. I want to go home.”  
“The doctor said just a few days, they need to control the wound. Thankfully the bone is intact.”  
The joy to have Astrid alive was his strength, but Henrik had difficult to sleep; at first the shooting, playing and replaying under his eyelids, then came the nightmare, Kevin pointing the gun at Astrid and Saga jumping in the middle, taking the bullet in her body.  
He woke up trembling, tried again to call Saga, wrote her another text, without disturbing Astrid.  
He felt cold with fear, the same when Alice disappeared. Was history repeating itself? Was he loosing another family?  
He decided to extend John's range of search, to reveal him and Linn their secret, but what if she had decided to remove the child and could not face him with the news?  
He had Astrid, he was again a father, she was free from their pact.


	3. Chapter 3

CH 3

The key turned in the lock around noon, seven days after Brian's death; the house was silent, the Peugeot wasn’t parked outside.   
The familiarity of the setting was both comforting and disturbing, Saga had abandoned the thought to find her own place, her attachment to Henrik’s house was something she came to terms only during the days she was away.   
Saga left her minimal travel bag – more a shopping bag than a real suitcase - on the couch and opened the fridge to grab something to fill her rumbling stomach.   
She put cheese, bread and a glass of water on the table and started eating; she had a few mouthfuls when the door opened and Henrik entered.   
He was back from the rehabilitation centre Astrid was due to stay for a week, a place in the countryside his daughter thankfully liked more than the hospital, with a garden and a swimming pool; when he saw the Porsche parked along the road he run inside.   
A hell of a week, Saga's disappearance without the faintest trace, nights spent awake, bags under his eyes, Astrid asking about Saga every day, wanting to see her, the lies he had to create with his daughter to keep her calm. It was difficult to explain Astrid how difficult and singular Saga’s behaviour could be.   
He was relieved and worried to see Saga, eating at his table like it was the most natural thing of the world.   
“You're here!”  
“You see me.”  
“Where have you been? No calls, no texts, I was so worried.”  
“I travelled around, I had to think.”   
“You could have simply told me, Linn and Lillian issued a missing search.”  
“No need, I was in Skane all time.”  
“Why?”  
“I told you.”   
There was something different in Saga, something sharper, more rigid than usual.   
“You said you had to think. About what?”  
“The child. Us.”  
Henrik froze, leaning on the fire island for support, he was expecting the fatal words, the axe to fall.   
“Did you...” He tried to formulate the question, his mouth dry all of a sudden.  
“I did nothing. The first examination is next Wednesday. Will you come with me?”  
“You mean you're still ...you haven’t?”   
“No. We've got a pact. You still want it, don’t you?”   
She tilted her head, looking at him in a strange way,   
“Yes, yes. I want the baby, I was so nervous… I'm not fine if you aren't around.”  
“How’s Astrid?”   
“Much better, she’ll come home in a few days. The doctors wanted her to stay for a while in a rehabilitation centre, she isn't happy, but she has to.”  
Saga took a sip of water, Henrik noticed the dish was empty.   
“Are you hungry?”  
“I was eating.”  
Henrik offered to cook, he wanted to be busy to distract his mind from the tornado that was spiralling into him, whose core was that Saga was there and thing could go, if not well, in the right way.   
Henrik put in the frying pan slices of chicken breast and on the other fire set some vegetables while Saga throw her dirty clothes in the washing machine and then sat in front of him for dinner.  
“I called you regarding my mother, we never had time to talk about her.”   
Henrik lifted his head, signalling she had his full attention on a topic that he sensed was important for her.  
“Lund find a connection between Jennifer's main bout of illness and drugs my mother administered her. I found diaries, proofs. My assumption was correct.”   
“You’ve always been right.”  
“My accusation, the subsequent trial. All responsibility was on my mother, her Munchausen by proxy never diagnosed for sure. My father’s absences for work gave her open way with Jennifer.”  
“But you accused them both.”  
“I had to free Jennifer for ever.”   
Saga explained how much she placed against Gosta Noren the fault of omission, the sin of her father.  
Henrik absorbed her words, the same fault for him, the same outcome, his little Anna was gone.  
Saga concentrated on the food; she appeared hungry, Henrik feared it was due to the week spent away without regular meals more than to the notion of eating for two.  
“So you were in Skane.”  
“I went to a fishing cabin on a lake shore, quiet and private in this time of the year. Your search would have failed, I used another name to rent it.”  
She asked for the most distant from the entrance gate, a cottage made of wood, small, just a room with a living area and a bedroom; she bought food for six days and read twelve books.  
Henrik recognized her need for privacy, the promiscuity in prison, the confused case, his own insistence in living together triggered a desire for loneliness.  
“Clever. You knew I'd search. And there are so many small lakes in southern Sweden…”   
“Your behaviour is easily predictable. I left you without an explanation, you worry I do something stupid or irreparable so you search me.”  
“Am I so transparent?”  
“For me. You need to know where I am, what I plan to do.”  
“I care about you.”  
“In prison it was easy to care about me, I was locked up.”   
Henrik felt scrutinized, deep to his core; Saga’s ability to read him and her inability to feel him, his need for her, his concern and desire to be a couple, a family, a father.   
All his concentration for two years was on Saga, during prison he mostly abandoned the search for his daughters and for truth about his wife’s death.   
Saga as a door to a new world, where he could succeed in a relationship, keeping it alive for a long time; sometimes a world too foreign to his mind.  
“And I hardly know you.”  
“You understand me well. It is when you want me to be the image you have of me that you fail.”   
Resigned, Henrik cleaned the table, filling the dishwasher; he turned and Saga was behind him, so close he could feel her body heath  
“You know I want you now, don't you?”  
Henrik closed his eyes – Saga always sharp and direct – and followed her in the bedroom.

Saga's soft snoozes were in rhythm with his breaths.   
Henrik kept the bedside lamp on, he wanted to look at her, to observe her face and save every detail in his memory; Saga back in his bed seemed so unreal, yet there she was. Her hair on the pillow, her mouth slightly open - Henrik slowly removed the sheet – her grey t shirt, her dark panties, her bare legs. Saga was lying on her left side, facing him, Henrik’s gaze fixed on her belly, it was too early to see something, but their child was safely growing there.   
Knowing what having, loving, caring and loosing meant, during intercourse Henrik felt a connection with Saga all the more intense.   
It was their first time together after he knew about the baby; the night she started living with him, two weeks before, their coupling was good, especially after all the times in the visiting room, where, with cameras surveillance on, it had been simply sex, necessary, basic, raw, ignited by the fear the supreme court would reject the request to set her free.   
For the first time Henrik was making love to his woman.  
He treated Saga with a tenderness she probably wasn’t used to or wanted so, she hurried him up to complete the act, instead he slowed his hips, wanting to feel all of her.   
When Saga understood his was the pace, she relaxed a little; Henrik sensed it and loved the trust, his movements become more fluids, wanting her pleasure more than his own.   
Saga’s first release was barely a whisper, but Henrik registered when her body shivered and he closed his eyes, keeping his path, wanting to make the moment last. They reached together a peak, like they often did, the unique communion of flesh they shared; Saga’s attempts to underestimate Henrik’s role in her life were falling piece by piece. In bed she had to admit he became her best partner ever.


	4. Chapter 4

CH 4

The deal was done without big problems, food and bed, conversation and house sharing; Saga told Henrik they had an agreement and she’d keep her promise.  
Henrik needed a way to explain Astrid his relationship with Saga without upsetting his daughter, afraid of her reactions. He saw Agnes drawing on her book, the only figure with modern clothes, dark, ambiguous, scary; Astrid had closed it violently without commenting.  
In a week his life became terribly complicated, from the loneliness after Saga was imprisoned to the foggy reality to have again a family, with a splendid addition still to come. The unplanned pregnancy, the revelation about his daughters, happiness because Astrid was back, sadness for Anna, concern for the new child, fear Astrid would consider Saga a betrayal of Alice, now also with a baby on the way.  
He approached Saga about the best way to inform Astrid and in response had the suggestion to tell her the truth.  
He couldn’t be so blunt, so he pleaded Saga to keep the secret of the baby, at least for the time being; she stated if they were going to live together Astrid would see her body.  
“From the texts I read and the changing I’m already experimenting, it could show soon.”  
“I know, but let’s her settle down at home.”  
“What changes from the rehabilitation centre to your house?”  
“She'll have her things here.”  
“After being shot in this very house?”  
Her logic was correct, waiting was useless, still he had to be the one to explain Astrid.  
“Good. Do as you wish. It’s time for our meeting.”  
They headed for the centre the same afternoon, Henrik entered Astrid’s room, who was eager to hug him and keep the contact for a long time; after the update about her morning rehabilitation session, Henrik took a deep breath.  
“Soon it will be two years since Mom’s body was found, during my first case with Saga in Sweden.”.  
“Mom died only two years ago? She left us long before.”  
“She died the day you met Frank first time. Things weren't going well between her and me. So she talked with Frank, he was a counsellor who did his work bad.”  
“I remember I asked Mom why you were seldom home.”  
“I'm sorry, I was a fool with her and you. I should have been more present, a real father for you and Anna. A better husband.”  
“You're my father, better than Frank.”  
He closed briefly his eyes and took her hand, she accepted his touch and Henrik was grateful.  
“I've got a second chance to set thing right. With you and with Saga.”  
“You were bad also with Saga?”  
“No Astrid, but Saga for me is like mom was. We're together.”  
“She's your best friend, you said.”  
“Much more, I love her. And … Saga is expecting my baby. It was unplanned, I swear.” He added when he read Astrid's incredulous expression.  
She was staring at him with huge eyes. Was she disappointed? Jealous to share him with another child? Afraid to become second best?  
“That's big.” Astrid shook her head. “Yesterday you were dead for me, I was completely alone and today I've got a brand new family.”  
“I'm sorry, Astrid. I was alone for six years, when I found Saga it was like a miracle for me. I promised I'll never leave you, I'll be with you always. Do you think it was only the gun that made me talk like I did in front of Kevin?”  
“No, I’m sure you love me. You asked him to kill you instead of me .”  
“And I’d do it again, for you and for the new baby. I've reflected a lot and I want it, like I wanted you and Anna when mom told me. What father would I be, if I didn’t want it or you?”  
“Sister or brother?”  
“It's to early to know. And I really don’t mind the sex. For Saga it will be difficult, she's different, I hope you won’t judge her. She’s outside, wanting to meet you. If she says something strange, I’ll explain later. ”  
Henrik opened the door, Saga entered and the two females stared at each other for a long time.  
Astrid had prepared herself to meet the woman that saved her life, to thank her father’s best friend. The news she just received changed all the words she planned to say.  
Saga seemed friendly, greeting Astrid, asking her how she was feeling.  
“I’m better, thanks, can’t wait to leave tomorrow.”  
“Good. Henrik said you started rehabilitation here.”  
“She’ll continue at home.”  
Astrid glanced from Henrik to Saga, they were standing opposite side of her bed, strange, she imagined they’d be close, happy.  
“Thanks for saving me. And finding me, too, dad told me you how smart you are.”  
Saga’s half smile, not used to receive appreciation.  
“You’ll stay home with us?”  
If her father and Saga were together, Astrid thought her question was logical.  
Saga looked at Henrik who smiled, to cancel her hesitation.  
“I’ll stay until the baby arrives.”  
“And after?”  
Henrik caressed Astrid’s arm.  
“After we’ll see. Tomorrow I’ll be here at 11 to take you home.”

 

Linn summoned Saga in her office and closed the door, gesturing Saga to take a chair, then she turned around the desk, walking slowly, delicate matters to discuss with a woman whose difficulties in dealing with subtle details Linn knew well.  
“I’ve decided not to report your absence, you have an impressive amount of extra hours that cover it. I met our police chief and other high ranks colleague. Thorsen is retiring earlier we imagined. He decided to leave for Stockholm, to live near his daughters.”  
“Thorson of the drug team?”  
“Yes, and Larsen will take his place, leaving a position in the financial frauds area. Larsen in Goteborg was already dealing with drugs.”  
Saga listened with attention, Linn never spoke with her about chief detectives changes before.  
“Our chief wants you to take Larsen’s position.”  
Saga’s brow furrowed, it was a research job, working with the tax administrations, the custom and the banks, a task that implied long hours at computer, examining data and tax forms.  
“But I’m a field detective.”  
“And you’re very good at it, the last case put you in the spotlight for a long deserved and simply delayed promotion.”  
Linn’s hint at the prison didn’t go unnoticed by Saga  
“I’m not suited for it.”  
“You’ll have your own team, qualified experts. It’s coordination and planning for you”  
Linn leaned forward on the smooth surface of the desk; she hated to dig in people’s private life but Saga had to understand it could be a one way out, her options were limited.  
“There’s another thing. Henrik came here when you were away, he wanted me to issue a search, so he confessed me you were pregnant and the baby was his. That was a bit of a surprise. He was honest, he thought you left to remove the baby.”  
Saga’s eyes had a flick of uneasiness, different from what Linn usually saw in her.  
Her privacy had been invaded, again, something that always affected her deeply, and now her life has been discussed in her absence.  
“I keep the baby.”  
“You cannot be on the field if you’re expecting. It’s promotion and office work or maternity leave, you’re also over 40, it’s the rule here.”  
Saga turned her head to the window, she wanted to work, whatever was better than staying at home with her thoughts.  
“Can I have John in my new team?”  
“If he agrees, that could be arranged. I’ll report your decision to the chief. Good luck in your new role and .. congratulations to you and Henrik.”

 

Margrethe Sabroe thought her son was messed up like never before, sure more than in his early teens, when he and his teammates were caught smoking something not perfectly legal during a school football tournament; Henrik avoided punishment only for his excellent school record.  
Margrethe was struggling to set up his home routine with the two women he was living with.  
Astrid, her only surviving granddaughter, a girl whose eyes had seen demons and ghosts for so many years.  
Margrethe loved to help Astrid to adapt to her old and at she same time new life; Astrid had asked Henrik to attend school, she wanted to be with young people after the loneliness of the village, but no exams for her at the end of the year, just getting used again to a Danish school.  
Saga, the Swedish detective, her son’s partner, the mother to be.  
First time Margrethe met Saga Noren was an awkward moment.  
Henrik was nervous and worried; he had asked his mother to arrive late in the afternoon, around time Saga would return from work and he had texted saga, alerting they had a visitor.  
Saga read it, the meeting was long overdue; she drove home analyzing the implications of the evening. Margrethe would be the second mother in law of her life – she and Henrik were not together, but it was a fast way to define the future grandmother of Henrik’s child - and her previous experience with Jakob’s mother had been surely negative.  
Henrik had passed her info about Margrethe, widowed long before his daughters disappeared, saying he was glad his father hadn’t witnessed his nightmare and his mother had been supportive ad best as she could, Henrik’s self imposed loneliness permitting..  
So, overjoyed for having Astrid alive back, Saga suspected Margrethe’s reactions about a new grandkid would be hysterical and overacted.  
Saga opened the main door and saw the white haired woman at the table with Henrik, two mugs of coffee in front of them.  
“This is my mother.”  
Henrik got up to take Saga’s bag of books, always happy to see Saga back home; he couldn’t help himself to be glad whenever she was around.  
Saga went closer while Margaret offered her hand,  
“Saga Noren, Malmo police.”  
“Margrethe, nice to meet you.”  
The two women stood in the living room and observed each other.  
“Do you live close?” Saga asked abruptly.  
“It’s a 20 minutes drive.”  
“It’s a short distance. You can help Henrik in childcare.”  
“I want to help, not to intrude. A grandparent is not a parent.”  
“But are you happy to have a new grandchild?”  
“I’m happy if you and Henrik are happy.”  
Saga seemed surprised to find a match in her counterpart. She observed better Margtrethe, her short hair, toned frame, casual dress, a quiet attitude similar to Henrik’s. A strong woman, intelligent and sensitive.  
“My mother will stay for dinner. I’ll go get Astrid from school soon.”  
Saga turned to Margrethe.  
“Do you want to ask me something?”  
“No.”  
“Good. I have to work for an hour, I’ll use Astrid desk. Call me when dinner is ready.”  
Saga disappeared behind the door.  
Henrik’s eyes were so sad Margrethe wanted only to hug him like he was a little child.  
He had told her about Saga’s peculiar behaviour but she never imagined such a detachment.  
“Is she always so? Also with Astrid?” Margrethe was concerned for her granddaughter’s welfare.  
“No, they go well together, they talk a lot and Saga helps Astrid with homework. It’s me. When someone else is around she avoids me, like I don’t exist.”  
“You and Saga sleep in the same bed, don’t you?”  
“Yes. There are two bedrooms only.”  
Not easy to talk about intimate topics with your own mother, Henrik thought, he didn’t know what to say.  
“Don’t be a prude, do you still make love?”  
“Sex, she calls it. Yes. It has always been the easiest part.”  
“So she is not indifferent to you.”  
He leaned heavily on the low wall. How could he explain Saga's attitude toward sex? Margrethe was quite of liberal view, considering her age, but Saga’s behaviour was sometimes difficult also for him.  
“I need her mom, more than she needs me. I know it is impossible and foolish but after Alice she is the first I do want. And now it is all going wrong. She made up her mind in giving me the baby.”  
“Should somebody speak with her?”  
“Who? She's alone, her relatives are dead, her former boss and friend too. She 's got only me and she won't listen to me. You saw how she cut me off before.”  
“I could try.”  
“She'll see you as a stranger.”  
“I've managed a shop for 30 years and I've raised three kids, I think you can give me some credit in how to handle people.”  
Henrik nodded, he knew how much Margrethe helped his cousins after her sister in law had died in a car accident, leaving young Mads and Alexandra scared, without a mother and with a father in hospital for a long and painful recovering. Henrik suspected her mother’s desire to have another child – after the miscarriage she endured when Henrik was six – was partially compensated by acting as a foster mother.  
They had lived all together as a big family in the Sabroe large county house, until Henrik went to the academy and later married Alice.


	5. Chapter 5

Ch 5

The judge left the courtroom and the guards prompted the prisoner to follow them back in custody. The few people who attended the Wednesday afternoon court session stood up from their seats and went for the exit, except for the brown haired man sat in the first row.  
Henrik Sabroe was the last of the public to leave and walked slowly toward the door.  
For the third time his forehead started sweating, his whole body trembling and he felt again a sharp pain in his guts that made him run to the bathrooms.  
He barely reached a free cubicle before his bowels contracted and he fell on the toilet crying in pain, while his whole body was crushed by a flux of diarrhea. His heartbeat was so fast he thought his heart could explode, he tried to breathe, looking up at the ceiling and saw little white lights moving and had the impression of falling. He leaned his forehead on the door to steady himself.  
Like the previous two times, he had to wait for a while before being able to stand up again and reach the line of basins. He tried to clean himself as much as he could, in his pocket there were wet cleaning wipes for the smell he was sure was glued to him. He only wanted to go home, have a complete shower and wash all his clothes.  
He thanked God the bathroom was deserted, the second time a man saw he wasn’t well and asked if something was wrong.  
Henrik said it was a stomach bug and refused help. It was a lie. No bug at all, no physical illness. It was his mind that was driving him insane again, like the days he got himself clean from the drugs. He remembered how much he suffered then, the hours spent walking inside home, cramps, insomnia, sweat and Saga trying to help him with sad eyes, afraid he’d loose the battle. He won over the drugs for Saga and his girls, this time the game was harder, more painful.  
Frank’s trial was the reason of his pain, Henrik was in Malmo central court to see the man who destroyed his family and refused to take Anna to hospital.  
He had decide to attend every session and stare at Frank straight in the eyes, to make him remember all the evil he did.  
Henrik didn’t imagine how hard it would be, like seeing Alice and Anna die under his very eyes and Astrid suffer for such a long time.  
The first attack was a shock, the second he feared to die of a stroke, for the third he was prepared. He kept the secret with Saga, she’d sure tell him to avoid the trial, like she did with her parents’.  
When he tried to talk about Frank, Saga had been suddenly nervous, asking if he was planning to do something stupid like Martin did. No, he replied, he had a family to think about, vengeance was far from his min.  
Frank pretended Alice fell during a little discussion, he was disproved by the report of Saga’s pathologist who demonstrated her bones showed no signs of fracture and the skull was intact, so she never fell and broke her neck.  
Henrik looked at his reflection in the cheap mirror and saw a ghost. The handsome man of the singles club, the brilliant detective partner of Saga Noren, the loving father of Astrid was thinner and his cheekbones were prominent, he barely recognized himself. He needed air, fresh air of spring and no more winter darkness; he splashed cold water over his face and went for the exit, time to return home, his living family was waiting for him. 

Margrethe visited on Saturday and took her son apart.  
“Are you well?”  
“Yes, mom.”  
“Henrik, tell me the truth. You’re loosing weight, I see.”  
“It’s just the new season, the heath.”  
“I’m worried about you, Astrid starts refusing meat and you’re so strange.”  
“Astrid can eat what she wants and I’m fine.”  
“You cannot get ill with Astrid now. Are you back on drugs? “  
He had confessed his addictions during a long confrontation with his mother while Astrid was in hospital. She grabbed his arm and he opposed her. “You know they could took Astrid and the baby from you, if you start again.”  
She was stalking him around the kitchen, determined to have an answer. .  
“It's the trial mom, I go to Malmo to see Frank. I need to be there but after I feel sick. It’s awful and I don’t know what to do.”  
Margrethe reserved a consultation for the incoming Monday with her old family doctor, the wise man would sure help them.  
When Henrik and Astrid left to go buying groceries, Margrethe told Saga how worried she was; Saga had also noticed Henrik’s strange behaviour.  
“Henrik cannot go on like this, he'll destroy himself. Tell him to stop going to the trial.”  
“He's old enough to decide.”  
“He needs your affection more than anything else, your support, he'll listen to you only.”  
“I keep the baby for him. The rest, he has to manage alone.”  
“Please, Saga…”.  
Margrethe tried to be calm and considerate, but seeing her son in such a distress was breaking her heart.  
And she was sure Saga did care about him, or she'd never saved Astrid and kept the unborn for him.  
The way Saga looked at Henrik when she thought nobody observed her, how she turned to the front door when his car arrived.  
Margrethe read in Saga's eyes a sea of fears, of loneliness, of being abandoned again.  
“We have a deal and I'll do everything for his child.”  
“If he’s not well, the child would have neither a mother nor a father! Social services could decide to consider it for adoption. They’ll let us keep Astrid only.” Her voice betrayed Margrethe’s concern for them. “Saga, think about it!”

 

Henrik had a standing breakfast and a sitting breakfast in the same morning during workdays, first with Saga - some fruits, biscuits and light tea nothing that could stir a morning sickness - a few minutes together to discuss the day, than with Astrid before school - cereals, milk, eggs, marmalade - her thin frame needed a better choice of food than Frank ever gave her; anorexia was Saga’s fear, she did a research and passed Henrik some readings.  
During week end they lingered a little at the table, pretending – each in a different way - to be a normal family that spends time together and plans the day; on a sunny May morning Henrik decided to dress the table on the veranda, he got rid of the old wooden chairs, dry and discoloured after years of abandon, buying a new set.  
Saga liked the surprise and she thanked Henrik; there were comfortable cushions for her back in the coming months and a long chair, perfect to lie with outstretched legs. She admitted she never had breakfast outside in her life before; Margrethe’s words were still heavy in her mind, she tried to be more aware of Henrik’s needs.  
Astrid asked to have breakfast outside every week end.  
“Next week end I have a seminar near Varberg, about financial and tax applied to police; I’ve studied a lot but I’m short of case experience. There will be experts.” Saga opened on her tablet the program.  
Varbergs was between Malmo and Goteborg, perfect for both cities police.  
“I’ll leave Friday around noon.” She added and showed the hotel site, a four stars resort with a conference centre and a spa, Astrid bent to better see the photos.  
“I’ve got a double room for two nights. There will be a formal dinner on Friday. I cannot skip it, the chief wants me there.”  
“It’s just a dinner, you’ll do well.” Henrik gave her a look pouring apple juice for all.  
“I don’t manage well formal gatherings, especially if I’m alone.”  
“I cannot help you, I’m sorry.” Henrik tried to hide his concern of letting Saga go alone, but he was bound to Astrid.  
Saga opened other pages of the hotel site, then she looked at Henrik straight in the eyes. .  
“What if Astrid comes with me? It’s super safe, we‘re all police. It’s just two days and three hours long and look here, the spa is for over 14.” She pointed at the spa pages, showing rules, timetables an service condition.  
Henrik looked at his women, Saga was clearly hoping for a travel companion and Astrid was torn between the desire to go and see new things and the idea to leave home.  
Henrik took a long breath, his daughter deserved to make new experiences and he was aware some would be without him; furthermore Saga was expressing a true desire to be with Astrid, a good occasion to reinforce their bond.  
So on Friday morning, before leaving for work, he wished them both a good travel.  
Letting his family go away had a sense of deja vu, he repeated himself over and over Astrid was with the woman he trusted the most and Saga had the possibility to spend quality time with his girl.  
He received a long series of texts, Saga had arrived in perfect time for the formal opening - the introduction speech of a high rank official of finance minister - Astrid had a great time in the swimming pool, bigger and warmer than the one at the centre, with lots of things to try, sensorial stations, Turkish bath, sauna, a helping staff and the place full of families of colleagues.  
Saga’s work session ended later than planned so they run to the dining room and sat at a quiet table for two; food was good, dessert selection excellent.  
Astrid went live on the phone to show Henrik the bedroom; she did a full round then sat, her head spinning.  
“It’s my first time in a hotel.”  
“When you were five we all went to Spain.”  
“I don’t remember.” In her reply, decision and a little bluntness in forgetting what her life had been, before. “Anyway, we had dinner in the big room with candles and white tables and the maitre served us and he complimented me for my manners. Some people asked if I was Saga’s daughter. I said yes, first time she corrected me, than she resigned.”  
“You could indeed pass for mother and daughter. So you spoke Swedish?”  
“We are in Sweden. You’d speak German if you were cross the border. Dad, don’t get angry, it was for fun….Saga, come here, its dad. I’m telling him I played a little on you”  
Saga appeared on the screen, clad in a bathrobe, dying her hair.  
“Are you going well together?”  
“We are fine, no traffic, Astrid is a great navigator.” Astrid went to the bathroom handing Saga the phone.  
“Are you tired?”  
“I’m pregnant, its a physiologic condition, not pathologic. I sat all afternoon and ate lightly at dinner, nothing dangerous for the baby”.  
“I know I’m repeating, but I’m a little worried. You’re over forty, the doctor said extra care .. ”  
“No need to. Astrid had a great day.”  
“She told me about her joke.”  
“She was happy when people asked about us. She pretended I was her mother.”  
Henrik had the revelation why Astrid had been so keen to go away with Saga, he had felt deep down jealousy, sadness to be neglected, to see Saga preferred instead of him; the reality was that Astrid needed a mother for real, a woman in her life to ease another burden that for years was heavy on her. He had told Astrid about Saga’s plan to leave after birth and he realised Astrid shared his hope Saga would stay.  
“there’s something I’d like to ask you, could you accept to be Astrid’s caretaker in case ..”  
“We’ll discuss at home, not now.”  
She stopped his words, henrik’s death was too terrible to think about.  
Astrid greeted Henrik then joined Saga under the covers.  
“Dad is worried for the baby.”  
“Prepare yourself for six and half months of his worries.”  
Astrid declared that when she was at home and Saga was on her way from work, Henrik was like a lion in a cage, looking at the street to hear the Porsche.  
“When you’re at school and I’m home he does the same. I register his blood pressure and heartbeats with or without us, different results.”  
“Dad will have a heart attack?”  
Saga reassured a very concerned Astrid, it was a routine she started during the disintossication, she cared about Henrik’s health and more since he was becoming a father again; comments about health were too much for Astrid.  
“When the baby will go to university Henrik will be in his sixties, I want him in good health.”  
“I’ll be in my thirties.”  
“With your own family.”  
“I don’t want to think about that. It’s enough I got dad back, with you.”  
“I’m not good at cohabiting, I tried once and it lasted two weeks only. Mu colleague Martin implied he left me because I was not in love.”  
“Do you love dad? “  
“Love can be measured by our hormones. The pregnancy is affecting mines, so I cannot understand how I feel.”


	6. Chapter 6

CH 6

Henrik become able to attend the trial without intense suffering after changing therapist.  
He had used the same counsellor of two years before, when Alice’s body was found, but then the short counselling was focused on how to cope with the fate of the girls. This time the stake was higher, so Lillian suggested him another doctor who had already worked with colleagues and dealt with deep traumas.  
The transition was better than he thought. Saga understood him without words, with her no need to talk with somebody else. Now Saga was a part of his problems, it was like their silent dialogue had stopped or was damaged.  
He concentrated also on Astrid’s education, a sign of normality that both father and daughter needed. They found a school after various meetings with the principals that made Astride more insecure about what to choose; they went for a friendly environment, with art classes and a open attitude in a lot of teachers, ready to experiment a multidisciplinary approach with the students.  
Henrik was shocked when two of the principals suggested him a place for children with special needs; he accepted only the idea of a support teacher for the first months, Saga agreed with his vision and proposed Astrid a drama class at a theatre nearby, showing Henrik the leaflet of the programs; with Astrid's attitude to dress up, what better that playing a part in an established setup?  
Henrik realised the task to rebuild a life with his daughter was bigger than he imagined: Astrid was a young woman now, with complex needs, swinging moods typical of adolescence and due to her past.  
For the first days Astrid was completely dependent on him, a baby again. The wound, rehabilitation, the emotional adjustment to her new life.  
In the evening Henrik felt drained, all his strength vanished and he just wanted to sleep, but there was Saga with her own difficulties, her inexperience in house sharing.  
Saga often needed to talk about her new position, asking Henrik’s help to better understand her new team members; they used to work until late in the night, he could not refuse to support her. Lars, one of the veteran detectives was clearly against Saga, Henrik suspected he longed for the promotion, to become chief detective, a situation reminding him Jonas and what he did against Lillian.  
Saga’s team already knew she was pregnant and probably Lars would make his move during Saga’s forced absence.  
Henrik felt the difficulty to protect her, like he did before, when they could work together.  
Strange dreams filled his nights, he started morning without having rested enough, his body screamed exhaustion: it was impossible to go on like that, something had to change. Henrik tried to deny it, the truth was that he was putting Saga through an emotional stress she didn’t deserve and he couldn’t lessen, being so busy with Astrid.  
Henrik called his mother on a Friday morning, got an invitation for lunch, arrived with Astrid shortly before Alexandra and her twins, then exchanged a meaningful glance with Maergrethe and left the house.  
He followed the path between the fields, not the main road, the same path he used as a kid, the stream and the wooden bridge over it, the old reservoir for the cows now all rusty, the graveyard behind the church where his grandparents were buried.  
The church was unchanged, he had been baptized there, and his daughters, too; probably the last time he entered the building was for Anna’s christening.  
He sat on a chair and closed his eyes, breathing the peace, needing to reflect.  
He lost notion of time and when his feet slipped from the wooden bar the sound echoed in the complete silence and he reacted like he was caught in fragrance.  
He noticed an old man sat a few rows beside him, white hair and wrinkled face.  
The man smiled and stood up, Henrik saw the black suit and the white collar of a priest and smiled in reflex; there was a familiarity he couldn’t grasp.  
“You’re Margrethe’s son, aren’t you? My memory is still good.” The priest approached him.  
“Reverend Hassler?” Incredible to think he was still there.  
“Yes, it has been a long time.”  
They shook hands, their last conversation when Henrik was still in the academy; Alice wanted to marry in Copenhagen, she refused the idea of a country church.  
“I needed to come here and think.”  
“Would you like a cup of coffee? With coffee I believe you think better, and you can also talk if you want.“  
The reverend lead Henrik to his study behind the church, books and papers spread on the desk, the air smelling of cigars, his old only vice; Henrik looked at the thousand of written pages, how beautiful it would be to find in one of these the answers he needed.  
It didn’t take long Henrik started talking, the priest already knew bits and parts from Margrethe.  
“Am I so wrong in wanting the baby?”  
“You said you had lots of women in your past, what if it happened with one of them?”  
“I used always protection and they said they did the same.”  
“But what if?”  
“I never had a real thought about that, I was so dumb by the drugs.”  
“And why this time is different?”  
“Because it’s Saga’s! She means so much for me, and the idea there is a part of me in her, now, after all we endured….”  
“You can’t love her and hurt her at the same time. Yours is a very difficult choice and it will cause pain, whatever road you’ll follow.”  
“Do I have to decide, don’t I?” Tears run free along his cheeks, Henrik couldn’t help himself, all the repressed years of loneliness and guilt were exploding inside him; he already knew the answer, deep in his heart, he could not make Saga suffer.  
“Yes, my boy. For you this child is a way to make her stay. But to keep it against her will is impossible.” The reverend kept his voice low and tender as much as he could, many people sat in the same chair during the years, asking help, advice, forgiveness, mercy.  
Henrik’s illusion of having again a real family was collapsing in front of his eyes, it was impossible to have both Saga and their child.  
Reverend Hassler put a hand on his shoulder.  
“Think about your relationship with Saga, value it, value your daughter, value what you have, what you can actually loose, not what you could loose.”  
Henrik stared at the wooden cross on the wall, he wanted to do right for his family, whatever the cost on him. Astrid freed him from his personal hell, Saga gave him hope and a reason to live, not only to survive. It had to be enough; Henrik bowed his head and asked for a blessing.

 

In the evening, when Astrid went to bed, tired but happy for a day with her relatives, Henrik sat beside Saga who was reading.  
“I've been too selfish and you don’t deserve it. I give up the baby. ”  
The book slip from her hands.  
“Why you changed your mind?”  
“I see how hard it is for you. You never wanted children, I'm wrapped up with Astrid, I have few time for you and once it is born you'll leave.”  
“Now you want me to have it removed?”  
“It is not what I want, it is what you want. I’m behaving like Frank, forcing you.”  
“You’re not telling me lies.”  
“No, but I cannot let you going through all of this only for me. You still have two weeks to decide.”  
Saga looked at him for a long time; he wasn’t happy, but he felt it was the right choice, albeit painful.  
“So if I abort... I’ll leave?”  
He lowered his gaze, for how much he hoped she’d stay, he feared to be unable to live with Saga once their baby would be gone. Saga read in his silence the unspoken plea to understand how difficult for him the situation was, the impossible prayer to make another miracle, like she did finding Astrid.  
“I'll think about it.” She answered to her own question and turned her head.  
Henrik closed the bedroom door while Saga remained in the living area; he laid in bed with eyes open for a long time.  
Was the baby deformed, were there risks for Saga's health, he'd be clearly favourable to a termination. He felt he was betraying his children another time, he cried in silence, so Saga wouldn't discover how distressed he was. The peace of the church was gone, the harsh reality was that he had already lost a daughter and the baby would follow the same destiny.  
Saga repeated in her mind the words Henrik spoke, it was true he was busy with Astrid, his immediate priority.  
Henrik has confessed Saga he was an inch from taking drugs again and stopped only when she proposed him the pact, he was fragile and in need of help, Anna’s loss was hard to accept.  
She tried to predict his reactions after the abortion, she had asked Margrethe about Henrik and Alice, how they met and how much he wanted to form a family. His mother told her a strong desire for children had always been a part of Henrik’s personality.  
So maybe not in a few weeks, but in the following months or years – especially with Astrid growing up, going to university, start working – Henrik could change his mind and decide for a new family, find a younger woman to have another child with. Henrik was a man, their biologic clocks were different; Saga had her last chance and without the baby the risk to loose Henrik became too great. Lillian had told her to protect what she had: she had Henrik and she had his child, too.  
Her head throbbed in a way she never experienced, in the past when people complained about headache she thought they were trying to get compassion, because a painkiller would solve the problem; now the hammer in her head was ruthlessly pulsing and she did not wanted to took pills, for the sake of the foetus.  
A cold shiver made her retreat to the bedroom, standing beside the bed to look at Henrik, before getting under the covers; she concentrated on him, following the rhythm of his breath, and her headache slowly subsided.

 

Astrid liked to cross the Oresund bridge on the Porsche, the old car had a powerful engine and sportive asset; the traffic directed to Malmo wasn't intense on Saturday morning and they respected the speed limit and enjoyed a good ride. They had met in the kitchen before seven - both unable to sleep – and Saga proposed a museum day in Malmo.  
Henrik’s car in comparison was boring and slow and Frank seldom took them out of the village.  
Astris liked to hang around with Saga, finding her funny and intelligent, learning lots of things and being treated like an adult. She grabbed the museum offer, Saga hurried her up, she clearly wanted to leave soon.  
During the travel Astrid noticed Saga was more tensed than usual, less talkative; her face seemed tired, her skin grey. Suddenly Saga stopped the car in a parking lot.  
“Do you like the baby idea?” She abruptly asked Astrid.  
“What?”  
“Do you like the idea of a new sibling?”  
“What happened? Problems with dad?”  
Did they had a discussion? She heard at the village stories of marital troubles, of divorced parents, she remembered Cristoffer’s mum, so scared.  
“Henrik yesterday told me he'd let me abort.”  
Astrid opened her mouth without a sound.  
It was a shock, dad was talking a lot about the baby, it was all settled, they were becoming a family and now her life was again confused.  
“But dad is so happy! Why?”  
“I never planned a child. Me and your father used contraception. Do you know what I’m talking about, don’t you?”  
Astrid nodded, at school she received that kind of info, she never discussed the topic with her adults before.  
“Being over 40, I thought we were safe with the copper coil, but it seems we’re both too fertile. After Henrik got rid of drugs he did all sorts of medical tests and his sperm count was excellent for his age. We should have used double protection. Henrik wanted the baby since I told him. Then I found you and he had a daughter again.”  
Saga stared at Astrid, who was struggling for an answer.  
Her world was crumbling down again, she felt confused, scared and suddenly the woman sat beside her was a complete stranger. She wanted to run away, to return home to her father, the day trip to the museum was becoming a nightmare.  
She grabbed the door handle and when Saga relented, approaching a roundabout, she got rid of the belt and opened the door, getting off and started running along the street.  
Saga reacted, she moved the car, grabbed the door, pushed back by the speed, and followed Astrid, passing her and stopping to intercept her run.  
Astrid was crying so much she did not see the arms that stopped her, preventing her to be hit by a bike.  
She opposed Saga, calling her father over and over. Saga’s grip was strong, she let Astrid shed all the tears she needed, then she made her sit on a low wall nearby,  
“I miss Anna. I though the baby could take her place and gave dad relief. And I could have a sibling again. Me and Anna were so close…. “  
Astrid’s words hit the painful spot. Saga missed her sister, too, once she and her then boyfriend – another student of microbiology, a nerd - were out with Jennifer, who asked if Saga loved him and wanted a family so Jennifer would have a little niece or nephew to take care of.  
“I've lost my sister. Twenty years ago, she was 14.”  
“I didn’t know. How?”  
“She killed herself, I tried to help her, but she was too troubled.”  
“And you miss her? You never wanted another one?”  
“No, my parents caused her death. But I think of her every day.”  
“Me too, I like to talk with Anna at her grave. I feel she understands me, although she is not with me.”  
Saga stared at something on the opposite side of the street for a long time, Astride believed she was in a sort of trance; when Saga spoke again the young woman startled from the tone of the voice.  
“You’ll talk again with a sibling. Let’s get back to the car, it’s in a no parking place.”  
They walked back to the car, Saga restarted the engine.  
“Exhibition first, then museum shop, there are sure interesting art books there.”  
“Can I have an exhibition poster? To put in a frame and hang on my wall instead of my old drawings?”  
“Good. We'll find one and then go to a d-i-t to buy the frame. Write your father we'll be late.”  
Henrik woke up later than usual hearing a text and found the other side of the bed was empty; Saga was gone, her cardigan wasn’t on the usual chair. The house was silent, Henrik was sure she had accepted his proposal and went straight to the hospital.  
He planned what to prepare for Astrid's breakfast, it wasn’t his daughter’s fault, she deserved all his love, especially knowing that there’d be no one else to love.  
He grabbed the phone to read the text; from Astrid, who could have simply knocked at the door, she was spending too much time with her Samsung, she should talk to people, not look at a screen.  
“Me and Saga are at the art museum in Malmo, see you in the afternoon.”


	7. Chapter 7

CH 7

The reason was that Henrik was Henrik and nothing less.   
Saga spent the night between Saturday and Sunday awake, looking at the man lying beside her in the light filtering from the windows.   
When she and Astrid had returned home with a bag of books and a rolled up poster, asking Henrik to put it in the new frame – as it was the most natural request from a woman to her partner - Saga had read Henrik’s face like an open book: happiness, hope, concern, the same feelings when Astrid was rescued.   
Being with him offered her something she never felt before.  
A place to rest, a home, someone to talk to and to be silent with.  
More silence than words, just his eyes meeting hers was enough to understand.   
That body, that beautiful face that didn't vanished in a sequence of random sex, just for her physical pleasure.  
With him Saga learnt things about a male body difficult to find in books, she explored every centimetre square of skin in two years of monogamy. How fast his facial hair could grow. How tense his calf got the moment of climax. How strong he had been in lifting up his limping daughter endless times a day. How careless he was of hand burns in front of the fire cooking for them.   
So she decided to accept his request regarding Astrid’s caretaker, it would be cruel to part the siblings in case of Henrik’s death or severe inability, Margrethe was too old to raise a newborn alone.

 

On Tuesday, Henrik told his therapist about the abortion offer he made and Saga refused.   
“Do you feel responsible for the pregnancy?”   
“We used protection, always. Probably in prison it expired or moved or.. I was too busy in finding proofs to free her to think about her copper coil.”  
Saga’s active sexual life and her refusal of complications, he remembered when they discussed about it after a few weeks of sleeping together, Saga had her period and told him which kind of birth control she used.   
“So it was a real surprise?”   
“A shock!”   
“A positive shock?”   
In his car, when Saga first told him, it was at first pure fear.  
Fear hearing Saga wanted to have it removed, fear because she was the mother and he was the father, fear to fail again, fear not to deserve such a chance and to forget his quest for his girls.  
Then in the alley behind the department store it dawned on him that it was real, it would be real, it would be their child: the deepest dream was coming true, the one he suppressed for years and repressed while Saga was in prison.  
The doctor's gaze still on him, waiting for an answer.  
“Yes positive, very happy, but never easy, nor before neither after Astrid was back.”  
“Astrid is in counselling, it is helping?”  
“Yes, the problem now is her mother, she refuses to forgive Alice. It's all her fault, she says. I’ve told her I have my heavy share of guilt but she denies it. I hope she'll overcome her hate, Alice was a good mother, a great one.”  
“Astrid’s relying on you now, she's got a parent only and it is safer for her to judge Alice and absolve you. So you'll never leave her again.”  
“I'll never leave!”   
“We know it and she knows, too, but she's still recovering in an emotional way. She accepts Saga and the baby because you want them and so she wants them, too.” 

Saga knew he was watching her at night.   
He started going to bead early, to wake up after midnight and look at her.   
He turned and let his eyes adjust to the summer night light filtering through the window covers.   
She felt his gaze, her sleep was always light and she hide to him being awake.   
The night was her cover, in the darkness she could pretend things were different.   
After a while Henrik relaxed and returned to sleep while Saga lied awake for a long time. When her belly started to swell he used to move in a way to allow his hand was close to her stomach and he could feel the baby.   
Saga noticed the change and never moved while he was touching her. He could felt the kicks against his palm and Saga was sure he often cried in silence, because once he went to the bathroom and she find a wet spot on his pillow.  
Only at night they were so connected, during the day he did everything she wanted, never asking to touch her or feel the child. 

Saga needed new clothes and Henrik took her into a maternity store; the other couples they saw were visibly happy and loving, Henrik stared at them with a deep envy he tried to hide. Alice had her sister Asa to go shopping with when she was pregnant with Astrid - Henrik was busy at work, change of chief detective, change of team, all those bureaucratic parts - and with Anna Asa was expecting, too. Such strong the bond between the sisters, Henrik was cut off, partially glad to avoid all the shopping parade.  
Now he regretted his foolish attitude, his desire was to be involved in everything.  
Saga looked at carriers and cribs, she didn’t imagine they had to bought so many items for the baby. She started adding the prices, making a list, all the stuff would be really expensive for Henrik. She proposed to use the girls' old things stored in the basement, he refused to discuss about money – or to reopen old boxes and old wounds - and lead her to the maternity clothes, the purpose of their visit. Saga understood every item had to be completely new, Henrik was starting again his fatherhood. .   
Saga examined the underwear racks; she also needed a bra, her breasts were swelling more than her belly. The clerk suggested her to think about a nursing bra. Saga turned to Henrik.   
“Did Alice breastfeed?”  
“Why are you asking?”  
“The midwife suggested me to do so.”  
“Alice did both times.”  
“Was it painful? Did she had increased sensibility on the breasts or wounds after the suction?”   
“I don't know. We were so busy with Astrid I had no time to discuss with Alice those details. With Anna she developed mastitis and was forced to stop.”  
“Strange.”  
“Yes, the doctor said stress, two pregnancies too close. I should have insisted to wait more. But she decided for two in a row, to have them very close of age and to return to work faster.”  
“But first time all went well?”  
“Yes, Astrid was always hungry and happy to get milk.” He paused. “Are you really going to do it?”  
“Yes, why?”  
“You're so jealous of your breasts, I never touched them and I barely saw you naked, so I wonder why.”  
“Not every woman like to be touched there.”  
“It can be a pleasure, if done in the right way.”  
“The baby needs his milk and will get it.”

 

The first two ultrasound were inconclusive for the sex, Saga and Henrik sat in the waiting room for the third; all tests for a late age pregnancy had been done, nothing suggested diseases or deformities.   
Henrik was silent, eying Saga for the whole time.   
He wished for the umpteenth time that things could change, but he didn't know how.   
The nurse called them and Saga remained still, lost in a trance; the medical part was the hardest ofr her, she knew well all the theory, it was the practical, to see the examinations performed on her body that troubled her.   
Henrik briefly touched her arm to prompt her to stand up.   
Their midwife was cheering as usual, asking if everything was ok.   
“This time we'll sure see the sex, are you curious?”   
“No.” Saga’s short response.  
“We really don’t care, health is enough.” Henrik said, trying to be kind.   
Saga positioned herself on the examination table and closed her eyes, she didn’t want to see the monitor, the image of what was growing inside her; it was enough to feel the baby move, to have pressure on her lower back and bladder.   
Henrik’s eyes were fixed on the big screen, the midwife noticed their behaviour and changed attitude, only pointing at the body parts.   
“Two arms, head in normal size, a leg, the other, the foetus is ok. Now if you stay still.”   
She moved the instrument over Saga's belly and Henrik turned to it, fascinated by the roundness he seldom could see. She wore large t shirts in bed and during sex she lamented the belly was becoming too big so Henrik had to change position to avoid touching it.   
She was exigent in bed, the hormones she told him, but the smallest contact outside sex was forbidden now.   
It was difficult for Henrik, he felt like a stud when she asked him to perform, still he longed for her, he desired her body.   
He searched on internet if intercourse could be dangerous for the baby but find recommendations to be careful only during the last weeks or if the mother was having problems. And Saga was in perfect health.   
She did everything books suggested, ate the right food, stopped snugs, swam every Saturday morning, kept weight control.   
She could write a blog about the perfect pregnancy, if only for her eyes when he tried to get just a little closer.   
She retreated into herself, every time a little faster, for a little longer.   
Henrik was getting crazy for the confusion in his head until the midwife’s voice called him back.   
“It’s a boy, a perfect little boy.”   
Their son. His son. He couldn't help himself to take Saga’s hand for a brief moment, she remained silent.  
He bowed his head, defeated. “Thank you.” He murmured, to whom it was not clear.   
Saga went to the bathroom and Henrik was given the prints; he looked at the blurred image of life, his second chance, wondering if he did deserve it.   
It was too late, his son would be born and count on a father only.   
When Saga retuned fully dressed, he was still staring at the photos.   
“Are you happy? After two girls it’s a big change.”  
“I’d be happy also for a daughter with your eyes.”   
“Maybe he’ll have your face. Better for a single father to raise a boy.”   
“Do you have ideas about names?”   
“The choice is yours.”   
He looked at her, hoping to make her see how hurt he was by her continuous withdrawal.   
“I like Hans.”  
“Why not your father’s name?”   
“Hans was a father figure for you. For a girl, I’ve imagined Jennifer.”   
A strange look in her eyes, something wet? Was it a tear or a grain of dust? No, it was a tear.   
Saga turned and walked along the corridor, Henrik was fast to follow.   
“Are you sad I suggested Jennifer?”   
“It’s just a name.”  
“It your sister’s name, a family name, not of a stranger.”   
“Jennifer wanted a family. She told me shortly before she died she hoped I’ll get soon a husband and child so she could have somebody else to love. I wasn't enough.”   
The sadness in her voice was still deep, after more than twenty years.  
“Oh Saga, she wanted to love and be loved like everyone, she needed you.” 

 

“This is the final decision. Are you sure you want to give up everything? “  
Mads Sorensen looked deep into Saga’s eyes, he wanted her to be sure.   
The lawyer believed Saga’s decision was strange, considering the feelings involved; he was afraid Saga’s stress was too strong to let her use a brain that appeared so rational to tether on the edge of abnormality.   
He grabbed the occasion when Saga arrived in advance at the last meeting, so he sat beside her and asked the question.   
“Yes, I’ve decided months ago,”  
“Is it faith that drives you? Do you refuse abortion in principle?”   
She furrowed her forehead.  
“So why? It’s confidential, I’ll keep the secret about this conversation, also with Henrik.”  
“Henrik’s lost one already. Once a friend whose oldest child had been murdered told me he couldn’t bear to bury another one. I don’t want Henrik to feel that pain.”   
Mads had the ultimate confirmation of their bond the way Saga was casting glances at the door, insistently and only when Henrik entered she let out the breath she was holding. He sat at the same side of the table and asked Saga if she was well.  
“You saw me this morning, we are both well. You ask the same question every day.”   
Mads’ choice to write a mild version of the agreement, where decision could be easily reversed, felt the right one, for the sake of the child and of the mother.   
Saga took the sheet and read it twice, controlling every detail; Henrik didn’t care, he only wanted her recognized as the mother in every document.  
“It’s a boy.“ he blurted out, “ We’ve discovered it only recently.”   
He could not contain his excitement anymore, he was counting the days; Sorensen for the first time saw Henrik was truly happy, Saga lifted her head from the sheets and remained silent. 

 

Saga decided to work until the last weeks, it was becoming difficult to use her car so Henrik often drove her to the office or she worked from home. She planned to solve the frauds that lead to the bankruptcy of a local bank then took leave; tons of reports the team had to read for the longs list of sleeping accounts that had been used without their owners - often dead or moved - had ever know. She was tired, her body was telling her to slow down, against her mind in full motion, always. And her body had another issue.   
“I feel too big to have sex until he’s born.”  
“It is not a problem for me.” Henrik replied calmly, while massaging her feet in bed.  
“You can go to the club if you have the itch.”  
“No!” His hands stopped, he grabbed the ankle as an instinctive attempt to stop Saga talking. Why she couldn’t see how much the mere idea to be intimate with another woman was completely absurd for him?   
“Why not?”   
“Because I’m not going there again. I got you and that’s enough for me. I’m not interested in the others.”  
“You have needs.”   
“It’s better to have them satisfied with the woman I do care about, not with a faceless body.”  
“Ok, I can give you a hand job if you need it.”  
“I can wait, I’m thinking about you and the baby only, sex isn’t important now.”  
Every time she tried to push him away he’d glued more to her.   
Saga reflected that sure it was because of the baby, he’d remained close until delivery, then he’d be fully absorbed by Hans.  
But the way he did care for her was so beautiful, she tried to deny it but the food he cooked, the back rub with the almond scented body lotion he bought just for her and those soft sneakers he found that she could wear without her swollen ankles hurting so much were things she never imagined from him.   
She wanted to indulge in his attentions until she could.

 

The red gravestone was lighted by the August morning sun; Henrik passed a hand over the hot and smooth surface, then he kneeled on the grave, not caring the discomfort of the small stones. The white daisies pot he bought stood near the small objects Astrid had added during the years.  
Closing his eyes, Henrik remembered the day he took Anna home from maternity hospital.  
Alice was holding Astrid, who refused to leave her mother's grasp, so Henrik lifted the baby carrier – the one he had used for Astrid less than two years before - and closed the car.  
The sound of the alarm, the baby for a second opened her eyes and Henrik was sure she had seen him. He was so happy for having another daughter, Alice had hoped for a boy, to form the perfect family, but Henrik had always dreamed of the couple of sisters. He told Alice two were enough, so no more attempts, the second pregnancy was difficult and Alice was close to bedrest.  
Every visit of the grave was painful, for Astrid it was important and she used to go there with Margrethe or Saga; Henrik avoided to come often, his shame and guilt getting bigger day by day.   
But he'd be a father again soon, he had to face the grave because he needed Anna's forgiveness.   
He let the air convey his words to the sky, telling Anna how he missed her, her smile, laugh, intelligence and practical attitude that was so similar to his.  
He'd never forget his little girl, her place in his heart would be safe until his last breath. She was with Alice now and he had to live for Astrid, Saga and the new life that had not asked to see the light. Henrik prayed Anna's soul to protect her little brother, promising to return with him.


	8. Chapter 8

CH 8

Saga asked her doctor a programmed c section; considering her age and the emotional strain Henrik supported her request.  
By the beginning of September she was admitted in hospital, nearly a week before the scheduled date; Hans was eager to see the world and the doctor changed the program.   
Henrik helped to store her belongings in the closet while Saga observed him from the bed, following his gestures.  
“Your night gown is in the first drawer, with the undergarments; your clothes are in the second. I've put two towels in the bathroom.”  
“Put some tissues here.” She pointed at the nightstand.  
He added a bottle of water, a plastic glass, her phone charger and two books.  
“There's a paper bag in my suitcase with new clothes. Use the hooks for them.”  
The nurse asked if Saga wanted to eat a light dinner and she refused.  
The c section was scheduled for the following morning and she wanted only to end the whole business as soon as possible; the pre surgery tests had been done, she was ready and she decided to read for the whole evening. She had lived for the last months as her pregnancy was a case to study, as it was happening to someone else, retracting in her private world as much as she could.   
Henrik sat on the chair; it felt still like a dream, he couldn’t believe in less than a day he'd hold his son for the first time.   
“Thanks. Thanks for everything.”  
Saga looked at him with a strange expression, opened her mouth without speaking.   
“I'll be here at six. Try to sleep tonight.”   
“It will be difficult, I'm nervous.”   
“I'm nervous too.” He smiled, relieved they shared the same feeling.  
Henrik wanted to sat on the bed and hug Saga, tell her how much he needed her, thank her for the gift of life, her second after saving Astrid.  
If someone was watching them from the outside they’d appeared as two casual acquaintances, not a man and a woman who needed each other without the courage to admit it. 

 

Astrid welcomed Henrik from hospital home with a big hug; his daughter had been his rock, his strength.   
What he feared could upset her, the idea to share her father with a new strong competitor for his affection, had instead been a positive element in Astrid recovery from her abduction.  
Long session with her therapist helped Astrid to come to terms with her past, especially with the loss of Anna. Astrid was creating a future and the baby would be a project that would involve father and daughter both as a family.  
Astrid was wiser than her age, the events of her past had forced her to grow faster, it was difficult for her to interact with her new classmates, she was good at school but she couldn't full understand the social rules of her age group. She felt cast out somehow, she wasn’t a local and at the same time she wasn’t an immigrant, there was no place for her to fill easily.   
So she had become close friend of a girl born with a little handicap, an arm shorter than the other. They both loved drawing and they met attending extra curricular lessons. Saga has stated it was a good kind of friendship, Astrid was sensible and it was too early for her to do all the silly things typical of teenagers.   
Astrid was happy to have a family, her therapist discussed with Henrik the impact of the new baby. It would be a support for Astrid mainly in the long future, not in the immediate, although she expressed the desire to help her father in taking care of the baby. Henrik knew Astrid had her own life, her studies, her friends, that growing up she would slowly drift apart from him after just having retuned, and it was hard to accept.   
Saga bounded easily with Astrid, their social difficulties were compatible and they often spent time together during the evenings, reading and studying; Saga took the role of a mentor, leaving Henrik the emotional side of parenting.  
Without Astrid’s love and support Henrik was sure he'd get lost again. Astrid prepared a quick dinner, heating two portions of home made soup with added slices of cheese and bread, forcing Henrik to eat. She liked to see Henrik cooking and had asked to be taught basic rules.   
“You need all your strength tomorrow.”  
“I'm afraid. What if I'm not good?”  
“Come on, it's the third time.”  
“Yes, but your mother was with me the first two. I was a mess just before you were born, mom kept me calm.”  
“There's grandma and me, you're not alone.”   
After dinner he sat with Astrid on the couch, noticing she was texting a lot.  
“It’s Saga.”  
Henrik’s expression was confused.   
“Yes, since you left her. She's scared.”  
“She don’t talk with me.”  
“She's preparing herself for tomorrow and then to leave.”   
“I want her to stay here.”  
“Not now, dad. She cannot stay. She needs her own place for a while, she's not ready.”  
Astrid saw a tear rolling down his cheek.   
“I just wanted to have all of you here, am I so selfish to desire her? Am I a cruel father to deprive Hans of his mother?”  
“I know it is hard, but things can change. She'll live in Malmo and you’ll see her.”

Saga's arm moved from the operation table to search Henrik's hand.   
He had asked her to attend the birth before she demanded his presence, he stood beside her, letting the team work behind the panel placed over her chest.   
He hold her hand and never let it go for the whole time.  
Whey they heard the first sound of life, Saga's grip increased and Henrik's tears fell on their jointed hands.   
The midwife offered them the newborn and Henrik was overwhelmed with pure joy.  
He prompted the woman to place him on the mother's chest, praying Saga’d accept Hans.   
She looked at Henrik and then at the baby, caressing the little head.   
Soon the midwife took again the baby and Henrik followed her to the adjacent room for the vital stats and the cleaning, while the doctors performed a surgery on Saga’s tubes to avoid any further pregnancy.  
A healthy child at her age was quite a miracle, she had decided to solve for ever the family thing. 

 

Saga had rented a tiny furnished apartment, wanting to move there directly from hospital.  
The discomfort and tiredness she experienced were stronger she imagined and Henrik's mother noticed her distress when she visited; her niece had the same troubles after her own c section for the twins so Margrethe prompted Henrik to make Saga stay with him for a longer time.   
Henrik placed Hans in his crib after the morning feeding and Saga's doctor arrived with news for the incoming weekend.   
“All is well and tomorrow you'll be discarded both. It's important you rest a lot and let your partner help you in taking care of the baby.”  
“I live alone and I have to return to work. I told you Henrik will take complete care of the baby.”  
“You cannot work for now. You’ve had some complications in your vital stats, your blood pressure is unstable, we need to monitor your heartbeat for a whole day and is better you’re not alone.”  
The doctor was determinate.   
“Or we could decide to keep you in hospital.”  
Saga turned to Henrik with huge eyes, hospitals were like a prison with all the routines imposed byt the nurses; Henrik read her fear and understood.   
“If you want I’ll give you my room, the house is big enough for four.” Henrik proposed, her clothes were still in his closet, her books scattered in the house.  
The relief on Saga's face made Henrik happy, maybe she was a little afraid to leave his house.  
“Ok, for a week.”  
“I’ll visit you next Friday with a cardiologist. It could be a week, it could be a little more. We’ll evaluate on Friday.” The doctor left the room, not admitting defiance.  
“I’ll sleep in the living area with Hans not to disturb you.”  
“There’s no need. He’ll sleep with us in his crib. I’ll continue to feed him. I think to store milk for him. A nurse confirmed me yesterday it can be kept up to three months, it’s the best for him. Then you’ll give him artificial milk.”.  
“It is for his sake, isn’t it?”   
“Sure, he needs to be healthy and strong.”  
She was quoting from books about baby care, he was sure, like a teacher explaining things to a student.  
Better another week together than nothing, he thought; his intention to concentrate on the well being of everyone close to him.   
He had reported the birth to Sorensen and after the ritual congratulations the wise man remembered him again that their peculiar situation could be monitored by social services of both countries.  
So Henrik had to be more than careful to avoid any possible risk. Having Saga at his home was considered positive by the lawyer and he suggested Henrik to make her stay as long as he could, if it was his desire.   
“Take note of everything that happens, every problem, every call to the doctor, you need to be able to demonstrate how much you care about your son and his mother.” 

 

Astrid saw how confused her adults were.   
The second evening with Hans at home was awkward for everyone. During the day they all walked like they were on the moon, in balloons of invisible air that forbid connections.   
Only Astrid’s and Henrik’s interacted – more than Astrid imagine with Hans around, her father was very attentive with both his children - Saga was lost in a word of written words on books about matters irrelevant to child caring, like she wanted to erase her mind from the thought of having a son.   
Henrik did everything for Hans, except feeding him, but every three hours he gave the baby to Saga who disappeared in their bedroom and when retuned simply passed him to the father.  
Astrid was curious, she never saw a newborn before, she had photos of her at 6 holding her twin baby cousins, but had no real recollections; at the village there were no young children nor births during all the time she spent there.   
Hans seemed so small, so fragile, Astrid feared for his life  
She asked Henrik if all newborns were so, he opened the photo album of her birth, when Alice was holding her and Henrik had wonder and pride in his eyes.  
This time his gaze was more sad, he clearly loved his son but the joy was not complete, she saw how he looked at Saga, in silence.  
And the same for Saga, Astrid at first believed it was casual, but every move Henrik did was followed by her eyes.  
Saga was great in not showing to a casual observer, but for Astrid show she did; Astrid thought they were all crazy, Saga observing Henrik and Astrid observing saga and the only in peace with the world was Hans  
Margrethe arrived the day Saga left, relieved Henrik a little of the pressure of managing Hans and Astrid told her grandmother what she witnessed.  
“It s very hard for your dad.”  
“I know, I want to help him.”  
“You’re doing the best you can, he’s so proud of you.”  
“I imagined he’d be different with Hans born, happier.”  
“He’s trying to hide his despair, Saga’s behaviour is driving him mad and now she’s gone.”  
“Granny, Saga always said she’d leave.”  
Margrethe explained Astrid how women after giving birth could experience a very hard time, risking a painful depression, like it happened to her own sister in law many years ago: Saga was sure aware of that, but if she would be struck by - maybe by pushing her to stay - she could probably be helpless against it and would need lots of help. So their purpose was to make Saga feel at ease as possible in the new and difficult situation.   
Henrik was confused and it was too early for him to settle things in a routine, Margrethe was sure; sixteen years after becoming father for the first time, her son was a completely different man.  
When he took Hans in his arms for the changing, his hands trembled so much he had to put the baby down, his shoulders sagged and he cried for a long time. Astrid hugged her father.   
“Please dad, stop, I can’t bear to see you crying.”  
Henrik forced his eyes open, saw Astrid’s face, her need to be cared, protected, guided. She was the light against the darkness the void of Saga’s leaving opened in his heart.   
“I you feel crying, do it now, but no more after.”  
Astrid lifted up Hans gently and Henrik wiped off the tears. 

 

“You said she reads a lot so that you called her wiki.”  
“Yes, at the beginning, affectionately, she knows so many things, a encyclopaedic memory, the greatest brain I’ve ever met.”  
Henrik’s therapist had shift focus from Alice and the past to Saga, trying to help Henrik to navigate the turmoil of emotions regarding the mother of his son.   
“And she has a condition?”  
“I think so, the problems with her family worsened it a lot during her life.”   
“Do you feel inferior to her? Unable to match her mind?”   
“No. I like the way she helped me with new notions, also at work. She never makes me feel stupid. And I don’t criticize her, ever.”   
He explained how Martin, her former colleague, used to do so and once told Henrik he was trying to teach Saga some social skills.   
“Was is necessary?”   
”Maybe for Martin. Not for me. The first time in bed her skills were perfect and from then since.”   
“Do you see your relationship as mainly sexual?”   
“No, I mean we were... we are.. so compatible in everything together. I’ve cruised the singles nights for a long time and she was one of the best. But I wanted more soon. More than her help in solving my family case. I did want her. The first time she trusted me, the moment I saw we could have a chance, was when she told me about the psychology book she was reading.”  
The doctor prompted Henrik to continue.   
“She is very interested in human behaviour. She reads every evening, before and after dinner. She made the house resemble a bookstore.”  
“Do you know her favourite authors?”   
“I’m not an expert, sure she reads Freud, she often told me she wants to go to Wien to visit his places.”  
The therapist looked back into his notes. ”You told me about the cup she gave you in prison. In the Freudian vision, a woman offering a cup is offering her womb. Did she realise she was already expecting when she gave it to you?”


	9. Chapter 9

CH 9

Henrik told the spa receptionist he had to join Saga Noren in the swimming pool and was surprised when being told his bill had already been set.  
The young man gave him a bracelet for the lockers and sent a message to his colleague Marine, Saga’s personal assistant for the afternoon.   
“Marine will meet you at the desk just at the entrance of the thermarium, have a lovely time with us.”   
Henrik thanked and went to change into his swim suit and bathrobe with the logo of the spa.  
He got out from the opposite door and saw a brown haired woman behind a desk.   
From her foreign accent, she was indeed the one he‘d talked on the phone when selecting Saga’s programme. Marine had worked for a long time in the most famous French spas, he remembered she told him.  
“Did Saga like the place?”   
Saga had accepted his gift gladly, without complaining to miss half a day of work.  
“Oh yes. I’m sure. She didn’t speak a lot but I know my work and I see when people are happy.”  
“I’m happy too, she deserves it.”  
“I’ve met lots of fathers with the “remise en forme” program and you’re one of the most attentive. If you follow me now.”  
Henrik was glad Marine stopped talking, if only she knew how troubled as a new parent he was.   
Marine didn’t questioned him why he refused the “mother and baby program” idea, Henrik was ashamed to reveal he was a sort of single father and still he was deeply involved with the mother of his baby.  
The remorse Henrik felt for not having taken care of Alice the way he was doing with Saga was heavy on his shoulders.  
Maybe Alice would be there and Anna too, but he’d never had Saga and Hans in his life.   
Marine moved along a corridor and up the stairs; Henrik passed the swimming pool sign and was going to ask why they were not heading that way when Marine opened a door of a room with a large Jacuzzi and two chaise longues; on a small table under the high window there was a chest of fresh fruits an sliced vegetables near a bowl with ice to cool soft drinks, two large towels on the edge of the Jacuzzi.  
“There must be a misunderstanding, I have to meet Saga in the swimming pool.”   
“No. I’m going get her. Please wait here.”   
Marine soon was back with Saga, clad in a large pink bathrobe that made her appear smaller.   
Marine turned the jacuzzi on and briefly explained the different functions.  
“You have completely privacy for an hour, food and drinks. If you need something call me with this interphone near the door. Nobody will see you so you can forget...swimsuit and lock the door. Have a lovely time. I'll knock when it's a quarter left.”   
Saga and Henrik remained alone, facing each other.   
“Well it’s … a surprise.”   
“It was so good here this afternoon and I had time to read all the programs offered so I wanted to make you feel good, too.”  
Saga took off her robe, Henrik could not take his eyes off her body.  
She was back in shape, only her belly not fully flat and the breasts as a reminder of her pregnancy.  
“You're so beautiful.” He murmured, following her moves, the way she entered the pool and changed the setting, increasing the intensity.  
“Come here.”   
An offer to accept immediately. Henrik joined her, sitting on the opposite side, their legs aligned, not touching.  
Saga started the chromotherapy; soft changing light played around the walls.  
It was perfect, a rare moment of peace.   
The hot water felt good on their bodies, Henrik leaned further until only his head was out of the water.  
Saga's eyes were closed, her face relaxed. Henrik would have spent hours only to admire her, how he missed her; living with Saga and Astrid had been tense but also full of happiness: he and Astrid bounded and overcame guilt and regrets. He had to go back to the first months of his wedding to remember a similar feeling.  
He had felt complete, with his daughter and his lover, there were difficulties but they had been a family for real and Astrid had a woman to talk with after years with a surrogate father only.  
Saga suddenly opened her eyes and their gazes met.  
He read desire in her and his body soon responded; he wanted her, madly, three months without making love – having sex, she'd say – were becoming a strain.   
But if she had stopped her couplings, she had to start anew: her choice, it was Saga who had bore Hans.   
Henrik was ready for a sign, a request, a gesture.   
When he felt her hand on his knee, going higher, slowly, he smiled; Saga found her target, glad to be of use; her touch was sweet and strong at the same time.  
Saga studied, how to move in the confined space; she went on her knees to take off her swimsuit, then she straddled Henrik, grabbing the steel bar near his head.   
Feeling her breasts rubbing on his chest was driving Henrik crazy, his head bowed back, eyes closed, savouring her closeness.  
Saga pulled at the waistband of his swimsuit and then with small movements she guided him inside her and they started moving in synchrony.  
It was like coming home, finding the familiar have after a storm; soon their pace increased, both painting hard, gaze locked not to miss any second, until they came, one following the other. Saga collapsed on his chest and he caressed her back for a long time.

 

To be considered a one afternoon stand was not enough for Henrik, he wanted to live with Saga again.   
His therapy was helping him to accept things should not be rushed: the notion Saga created the cup as an unconscious gift of life, anticipating Hans, gave Henrik strength to carry on.   
Maybe her feelings for him were more intense than she let appear, repressed by her fears and beliefs to be unable to have a family.  
Every day Henrik repeated the healing prayer, thanking God he had his life back on tracks, not like a year before, when he was lost without traces of daughters and Saga was in prison.  
He had received two gifts, Astrid back and a new hope in Hans. Three gifts, Saga was still around.  
The dark moments were becoming less frequent, concentrating mainly on Saga, still hoping she’d change her mind.   
Margrethe was staying a week in Copenhagen and she prompted her son to take a break from child caring.  
“Go to see Saga, took her out for dinner, it will do you good. Don’t worry about Hans, I’m here, you can spend the night with her.”  
Henrik opposed, insecure to leave the children; Margrethe insisted, Saga had the right to see Henrik as her man, not only as the father of her child.   
It was not easy to convince Saga to eat at a restaurant.  
“I never go to posh places. You could cook here for us.”  
He opened the cupboards, he had planned to fill her tiny kitchen with groceries when she moved there, but she accepted to buy only canned or heatable food and Henrik did not want to argue at the supermarket. So he started preparing single portions of what he and Astrid would eat and offer them to Saga during the daily meetings to get the milk for Hans.  
The cupboards were empty, she didn’t refurnished them.   
She diverted her gaze, he had the proof that after months of his cooking she relied on him only.  
“It 's not posh, I swear. Just a quiet restaurant. Can we do something different this evening? Mom is staying the night, we have time.”  
“If I don’t like it, we'll leave?”  
“I promise. I'm sure you'll like it, I've thought about the right place.”   
They walked by foot from Saga’s apartment to a small restaurant off Malmo main commercial streets.  
Henrik had asked John's advice for a friendly place where food was good and formality was not required, the opposite of Geranium; John wrote the address and assured him his daughter Julia liked it a lot.  
Henrik had reserved a quiet table up on the mezzanine with a lovely view of the street below.  
Saga choose traditional food, a vegetable soup and a salmon salad. Henrik hoped she'd experimented something new, but his main goal was to make her enjoy the evening; it seemed silly, they were dating after all they endured as lovers.   
“We’re working on a corruption ring. Eastern links to uncover, I’m good in Cyrillic alphabet. When it’s over I’ll let the team take breaks, they are overtime. I could take one for myself.”  
“You want a break?”   
“Yes, to go somewhere on holiday. Hans is safe with you. I never had free time for myself.”  
She let the topic drop, noticing how her companion appeared distressed, fisting his hands; the idea of her leaving had no good effect on Henrik.   
A family sat at a near table, parents and a girl around six or seven, plus a little one in a stroller, less than one year old.   
While savouring her dessert, Saga saw Henrik casting glances at the toddler. Was he thinking about Hans, at home with his mother?  
It was evident Henrik was living separate lives, trying to mix everything, dividing his time between his children and Saga.  
Saga let her mind roam freely, would it be so terrible to eat out in four like that family?  
The little one was sleeping peaceful and the sister was playing with a tablet.  
Henrik left for the bathroom and his phone was on the table; Saga took it and opened the photo gallery.  
She had seen briefly Hans two weeks before, when she had to deliver the bottles because Astrid had a bad cold and Henrik could not leave her. Here Hans was, in dad's arms, on the bed, with Astrid, with the dog.  
He had Henrik's mother grey eyes, but the mouth was Saga's: Hans was her son, no doubt at all.  
Henrik approached the table and saw Saga holding his phone, scrolling the photos.  
He stood still, he didn't want her to notice his presence..  
When she put back the phone on the table, Henrik proposed to leave.  
His car was parked under her building; the more they were approaching it, the more Henrik hoped for an invitation, he was eager to spend the night with Saga; she remained silent, so he spoke in front of her street door.  
“I’m free tonight.”   
“You’ve said it before.”  
“I can drive, I’m sober.”  
“You don’t want to drive tonight.”  
“No. I want to stay.”  
“Ok.”  
Saga opened the door, he followed her on the stairs.


	10. Chapter 10

CH 10

Henrik has stayed the night.  
A weakness. A big weakness, prompted by the uncommon desire to test him, to see if she was o important for him to make he leave the children for a night. A not logical desire, but a burning one.   
In Saga's original vision, they had to meet for sex only and he had to leave to get back home and free the babysitter.  
Except there was no babysitter at all.  
Instead, a grandmother sometimes sleeping at his house and a big sister eager to take care of her treasured brother.  
So Henrik could stay, wanted to stay.  
And in the coming years Saga saw more opportunities to stay: summer camps, school travels, visiting relatives. Hans would slowly explore the world, Astrid would have her social life.  
Henrik was still glued to Saga, more than ever, wanting to take care of all his loved ones.  
Saga couldn't concentrate at work the following morning,   
The case involving the Swedish branch of a Kazakistan based trading company was impossible to focus on.   
The sequence of movements on the bank accounts blurred in a myriad of useless numbers without logic, John passed her another bunch of sheets and Saga’s attempts to verify the existence of a financial fraud were futile, John pointed there were transfers to a few recurring payees and Saga lost the connection  
The image of Henrik - sleeping peacefully in her bed after one of the best round of sex they ever had - was powerful.  
She went home around seven and was restless, so she went out to walk, the apartment was claustrophobic.   
She entered a crowded bar and stopped to look at the male customers.  
Young, handsome, mainly typical Nordic blondes, some had dark hair, probably from other parts of Europe.  
One was really a beautiful man, tall and slim, piercing brown eyes.   
More than handsome, a man she'd surely eyed during the years before Henrik.  
The man looked at Saga when he felt observed, he seemed pleased to be admired and to admire, too, soon he approached her.  
“Hallo, I'm Maurice.”  
“You're not Swedish.”  
“I'm French. I'm here for my friend Mark's wedding. We're enjoying ourselves, why don' t you join us for a drink?”  
Saga nodded. She rarely drank, better to have a clean and logic mind.  
For many people it was common to consume alcohol so for once she decided to play that part.   
Henrik had stopped since the NA meetings. No more beers at dinner, no wine, neither champagne to celebrate Hans' birth.  
Saga already figured out her purposes with Maurice, she'd often used beautiful men for a physical satisfaction.  
Maurice offered her a dark glass full of ice, Coke and something strong, Saga tasted a sip and she felt it was already too much. She lowered the glass and pretended to be too concentrated on the man in front of her. He was a doctor who had spent Erasmus in Copenhagen where he met the groom to be. His hotel was opposite the street, Mark had reserved the same location for his guests.  
“Do you live close?”  
“Two blocks from here.”  
“And you’re alone? A beautiful woman like you don't deserve to be alone.”  
He was flirting with her, she had confirmation of all the stories she heard about Frenchmen, so charming, seductive.  
It was not the best approach with Saga who felt strange, not for the alcohol she drank. Something deeper rooted in her stomach, a knot of emotions because brain and heart were fighting.  
Maurice was handsome, she guessed in his early thirties; Saga hadn't had a man so young after Jakob.   
She remembered Henrik's 40th birthday, on Christmas eve after her first two weeks in prison.   
He deserved something better for such an important day but he wanted to spend it with Saga only, accepting the card she bought in the small prison shop.  
Nor he complained a year later, accepting again her gift: Saga was sure Hans had been conceived that day.  
Maurice put an arm around Saga's waist, pulling her closer, she pretended to loose balance on the entrance step and retracted.  
“It's getting cold here, would you like something warmer?”  
“Something or someone?”  
“I can provide both.”  
“Good. Let's go.”  
She didn't know what she was doing, or why, she wanted to erase from her mind the doubts Henrik created.  
Maurice was eyeing from the v neck t shirt her breasts; he lead Saga through the hotel hall and headed for the lifts when a text appeared on her phone.  
Astrid, asking advices for a birthday party in four days, of a boy she wanted to know better.  
“Tomorrow, ask dad to drive you.” She briefly texted.  
“Who is?”   
Saga’s mind scanned the answers. My lover's daughter. My son's sister. Another text, from Henrik - his number a ringtone different from the others - followed by a second.  
She simply told Maurice it was Astrid, without opening Henrik's texts.  
“Who's Astrid?”  
She showed him Astrid’s photo icon, herself and Henrik holding Hans.  
Maurice looked carefully.  
“Daughter?”  
“No, the baby is mine.”  
“And the man?”  
“Their father.”  
He stopped in front of the lift.  
“Listen, I'm ok for some fun between the sheets, but don’t use me to cheat on him or make him jealous.”  
“We're not together, the baby lives with him. Single custody.”  
The lift opened, Maurice entered, Saga followed automatically.  
When the doors closed, he pressed himself into Saga, desire in his eyes and a growing bulge in his trousers.  
Saga had to look at him from a distance so narrow his face blurred. His perfume was too strong, mixed with the scent of alcohol and sweat; a smell so different from Henrik’s that Saga felt nauseated.  
She took long breaths to steady herself and closed her eyes to get balance, suddenly she was in another lift, a long time ago, asking Henrik to respect her privacy.  
And he did it. Henrik did everything for her, he simply asked to stay and sleep the previous night, after a good time in bed, a really good one.  
Because Henrik wanted her more than any other man, because he got her like no other, because he needed her.  
The lift stopped at the panoramic restaurant floor, two women entered and Maurice had to move away from Saga, who following a impulse put a hand on the sensor and swiftly walked out, heading for the stairs, back to the hall.   
Saga's trembling subsided only when she turned the corner of the hotel street.  
Could it be another panic attack?   
Since she decided to keep Hans, she’d felt better, like her choice had somehow soothed her mind.   
The memory of Henrik has triggered a reaction and she remembered she still had to read his texts.  
“Thanks for helping Astrid. I don’t know how to deal with boys. She is still my baby”.  
And the second.  
“I’ll drive her to Malmo whenever you want.”  
She looked at the screen for a long time, then she texted twice.  
“I’ll come for dinner the day after tomorrow at eight. No need to drive her.” Was the first.  
“I’m Saga Noren, I need to reserve a urgent therapy session.” Was the second. 

 

The therapist greeted Saga and made her sit, putting a glass of water on the small table between them.  
“I had some problems during last months”.  
“Therapy helps when problems arise, to get them solved.”  
“I couldn’t face them. I needed time.”  
“Would you tell me what happened?”   
“Last time we met we talked about the confirmation I had about my mother, you knew I was pregnant by my colleague. We made a deal, I’d have the baby and give Henrik full custody after the birth, without contacts between me and the baby. Then I found his daughters, one alive, one dead.”   
Saga explained how Henrik wanted her to abort, not forcing her to continue, how she refused and how they managed cohabitation with Astrid until Hans was born.  
“You endured all of this alone?”   
“Not alone, with Henrik. We lived in the same house.”  
“Emotionally alone, I mean.”  
“Henrik wanted to talk, but I was scared, I only wanted the baby born. Yesterday I met a good looking man and couldn’t have sex with him.”  
The therapist listened carefully.  
“He was a French doctor, interested. It was me, I run away.”   
“What prompted you to leave? ”   
Saga explained she felt strongly Henrik’s presence.   
“If it was Henrik to have sex with, you’d behave in the same way?”   
“He was with me two nights ago. He stayed the night after sex. Me and Henrik never had difficulties in bed.”  
“Since you met him, you had sex with other men? Or felt the need?”  
Saga answered negative. She remembered Martin and his casual way with women, in the end leading him to an endless series of divorces and failures  
For Saga, Henrik was enough, he offered what she wanted, the way she wanted.   
“So the point is sex without Henrik. Monogamy is not an absolute value, but when there is a serious commitment, a strong bond, it comes naturally. It’s more than mere fidelity in a couple. You can be scared by your relationship with Henrik”   
The doctor was right, for three years Henrik had been her only sex partner, the prison left her with no alternatives, so he became exclusive. Then came the pregnancy and Henrik was still the most natural choice, the most rational. The confusion she felt after he stayed the night was not rational, nor the way she run away from Maurice.   
Saga started moving her head, nervously, the doctor changed the subject.   
“Therapy is a long process. You solved a painful part of your past, not all. I won’t force you to continue, but I offer you weekly sessions that probably will last for a longer time you’ll imagine.”   
“I ..see it now. I was so caught up with the case, the search for Astrid and the baby.”  
“A large part of our work will be about Hans.”  
“Hans is well. His father adores him.”   
“Hans lives with a parent only. You said you wanted to give Henrik a perfect child. But there is more than the birth and no one is perfect, never. Hans life has just started. In the future, how will he react, knowing his mother has given up him and still want to see his father?   
Saga looked at her doctor, the impact of the revelation was huge.   
“I refused contacts with my parents. Am I repeating patterns?”   
“Because they hurt you and Jennifer. Are sure you can avoid Hans forever? Do you really want to avoid him?”  
“You think I hurt him refusing him?”   
“You’re intelligent, you can evaluate his situation, how the impact of genetic is important and also how the environment can influence the genes. Plus, the absence of a parental figure can have repercussions on his development in multiple ways.” 

 

Astrid in her room, studying. Hans in his crib, sleeping. Saga and Henrik in the kitchen.   
A quit dinner, Henrik the perfect host, like Saga was a friend visiting, not the women he adored.   
Saga and Astrid talked about her date when Henrik put Hans to bed.   
Henrik had been doubtful, he wanted to make Saga at ease but he could not hide their child: Hans didn't deserve it, it was not his fault to be born: his son wouldn’t be a Emil Larson, the killer betrayed by everyone close. If Saga came home she was well aware of their son being there.   
The night they spent together at her place had been so beautiful, with memories of the first time they had sex together, when he never dreamed Saga would become the force driving his life. He had been tender and passionate at the same time, kissing the small scar of the c section, the mark he had left on her through their child, worshipping her body like he seldom could do before, glad he was the one allowed to make her feel pleasure, the only one for three long years.  
He caught frequent glances from Saga to the baby, Henrik was happy and sad at the same time.  
He nearly expected her to run away any moment.   
After cleaning up the dishes he turned to see Astrid was gone and Saga on one of the high chairs, staring at him.   
He grabbed the large bowl, the first thing he found, to prevent himself to go and hug her. Not for sex, just to touch her and have a moment of relief in her arms.   
If he made a wrong move Saga'd run, he was sure, his aim was to make her stay.  
“I’ve returned to my therapist.”, she abruptly declared. “I've told her about Hans.”  
“What did she say?”  
“That it will be a long process. So I don’t think to take that holiday after all. I have to solve some issues.”  
He was curious to know why she asked help again.  
“I went there because you stayed the night.”   
“Did I distress you so much?”  
“Yesterday night I was restless so I went out and met a man.”  
Henrik's brain froze, cold fear washed over his body; could she find a stranger so easily only because he had stayed?  
He prepared himself, for Saga sex was an itch to satisfy without complications, but he'd been faithful since their first night, no more clubbing, no more one night stands.  
And she did the same, the prison and the case and the pregnancy, he was sure.   
“I thought it was normal to have sex with him, he was a good looking Frenchman, his hotel was close. In the lift I run away.”  
“So you … didn't?”   
“I ran home.” She paused. “I thought about you.”  
Relief, breathe again, hope, all mixed up. His face showed all and she read him.  
“Are you jealous?”   
She moved her head a little, a strange smile on her face, was she teasing him?   
“I am! No need to deny it.”   
Henrik went for the complete truth, the last throw of the dice.  
“I know I have no rights over you, but there 's no other woman for me except you.”  
“Only because I gave you a son.”  
“No, since we met I never cheated on you, nor on Alice, I started the club after she was gone.”  
“Jealousy is a feeling that shows insecurity.”   
Henrik nodded.   
“It isn't easy for me. I want to do things right for the children and you. I try to be a good father but I'm afraid to be wrong again. And you. I need you so much I can't breathe sometimes. The idea of you with another man is a torture for me.”   
Saga remained silent, staring at him with huge eyes.   
Henrik's hand moved forward of its own volition to touch hers, then retreated; she observed the gesture, then her gaze met his.  
“Why you stopped?”   
“Because you don’t want me to touch you.”   
“But you do want to touch me.”  
“Yes, I restrain myself every time. When you were pregnant I wanted to hug you, to caress your belly, to walk hand in hand with you so everybody‘d see you were carrying our child. I’m insecure because I love you and it hurts so much.”

Saga told her therapist about the evening at Henrik’s with the family, an experiment with positive outcome.  
“Did you and Hans interact?”   
“A little. He saw me and smiled.” She had hold Hans for a while and the baby went for her breast.   
“he remember your smell and the feeding.”  
“Toddlers are said to instinctively recognize their mothers.”   
“You were glad he did it?”   
“It felt good. Henrik says he has my smile. I prefer Henrik to raise him so he has less exposure to me and my genes.”  
“He’s half yours, half Henrik's. He’s not destined to follow your family path.”   
“Henrik is better than me.”  
“Men are taught to be protective. He failed once, now his instincts and the social pressure on him stronger.”   
She told the therapist Henrik planned to spend the incoming festive season together, asking Saga's presence at Christmas Eve dinner; she was mulling about the idea, Henrik never forcing, but sure hoping for a yes.   
“Henrik has a counsellor, too, who tells him to take things slow.”   
“From your description, he‘s a good man, his task is not easy. And he cares about you.”   
“He’s jealous of me with another man.”.  
“And are you jealous of him with another woman?”   
Saga could not find a definitive answer, too many the factors in the game: Hans would have a maternal figure that would raise him and Henrik would have a new sex partner. The idea of Henrik back at the club to find himself a mate was unpleasant, she admitted and to image Hans calling another woman “mom” was unreal, for Saga Hans had a parent only, Henrik.   
“Are you ready to give up Henrik, if you cannot be with another man? Can you find a compromise? Think about it until our next session.”


	11. Chapter 11

CH 11

Lillian's call during a cold December evening was a bad sign.  
Saga answered while and scenarios flashed in her mind.  
Henrik. Hans. Astrid.  
Three names that compressed all her life.  
Before she had time to consider the situation Lillian spoke.  
“Saga, Henrik is in hospital. He's alive.”  
“What?”  
“He had a car accident during an operation. The colleague at the drive is in a coma.”  
“Operation? But he returned only in office, he said no action! He swore!”   
“We had an emergency, hostages and he had to negotiate. The thieves felt surrounded, started their van against our cars to escape, blowing off one of the swat team and then they went against the care Henrik was on. He had no time to abandon it.”   
“How is Henrik?”  
“A leg broken and internal bleeding.”  
“Does Astrid know?”  
“No, I called you first, you're his next of kin. I told hospital I'd phone you myself.”  
“Tell Astrid I'm going to get her now.”  
Saga put the blue light on to cross the bridge without speed limits, it was a police emergency, she had to run; the pounding of her heart and her sudden dry mouth were side effects, she had to be calm for the children. When she tried to call Margrethe her fingers were trembling and the phone fell under the passenger seat.   
She opened Henrik's front door and saw Astrid pacing the living room, crying in silence; Hans was in his stroller near the couch, sleeping until he heard voices.  
“Let's go to the hospital. Take Hans”  
“Your car has no baby seat.”  
“I'll go slow, you'll protect him.”  
Astrid lifted her brother who started crying; Saga stared at the baby to understand his reaction then stopped the girl. “He’s hungry, he need to eat before we leave.”  
Feeding Hans and then finding a train crossing close ralented them; Astrid pushed her foot like she was using a ghost accelerator, Saga casted continuous glances at the duo on the passenger seat.   
“Look at the road, not at us!”  
“I’m nervous.”   
“I’m terrified. What if...”  
The unspoken shared fear lingered in the abitacle.

Saga showed the nurse at the ER desk her distinctive, identified herself as Henrik Sabroe’s next of kin and asked about him.  
“Take Hans. I cannot hold him any more.”  
Astrid passed the baby to Saga, who at first kept him at arm's length; no more a newborn, she was heavier. Hans was restless and waved his little hands toward Saga.  
She took a breath and placed him on her left hip, a gesture that came out as natural; he felt the contact with a warm body and calmed.   
The nurse studied the group, the girl with a light jacket over a jumper, the woman with a t shirt inside out and the baby still in outside clothes. She found strange the woman arrived with a teenager and a toddler and immediately declared she was a detective; Swedish police had no jurisdiction in Denmark and the three policemen admitted that evening in the ER were all Danish.   
“Are you Sabroe’s relatives?”   
“His children.” Saga pointed at Hans and Astrid.  
“And you?”  
“Our mother.” Astrid was faster in answering, not the time for Saga's indecision, she wanted news about her father.  
The nurse controlled the screen.  
“He's having surgery now. You can talk with the ER doctor who visited him.”  
Saga was told to wait outside visiting room 6.   
The ER doctor explained Henrik's left tibia and fibula were fractured in the impact and probably one or two ribs perforated the lungs.  
Lillian arrived in the middle of the night and saw Astrid dozing and Saga walking back and forth along the corridor with a sleeping Hans in her arms; she appeared like a lioness in a cage, holding her cub.  
Lillian informed Saga a swat team man had been killed, another one had a serious head concussion and Henrik’s driving colleague was in critical conditions, having absorbed most of the impact.   
“Henrik will be ok.” Lillian stated  
“He must be ok. The kids need him.”  
“Saga, I know Henrik for a very long time and Hans told me lot of things about you. You and Henrik are good for each other.   
“How do you know?”  
“I see it. But how do you feel about him?”   
A long silence, Lillian observed Saga in deep concentration.  
“I’m afraid to be with him and I am afraid to be without him. Relationships are not my best. With him, I’ll ruin everything so maybe it is better without him, now he has Hans.”  
“The baby is your connection. He’ll link you and Henrik forever. You know it, Saga, you’re too clever to deny it. You'd never had a child if the father meant nothing for you.” 

Around dawn Henrik was transferred in a room, his surgeon told Saga the situation was better than at first sight, Henrik was in good shape, a fighter, and seeing the baby he understood Henrik had a strong reason to live. Saga and Astrid had the permission for a short visit.   
Henrik was lying on the bed, monitors over him, tubes everywhere.   
Astrid cried and turned to Saga, hugging her. Saga prompted the girl to move closer to the bed, but her own stomach tensed and she started trembling.   
The taste of fear in her mouth was bitter, if Henrik was killed? There were other women in the same hospital, beside a corpse or waiting news about wounded men, other children were crying for their fathers.  
Henrik had been lucky, he was alive and breathing and Saga controlled twice each monitor to be sure the levels were normal.  
Astrid took Henrik's hand, careful not to touch the iv needle.  
Henrik turned his head, the fog in his brain dissolved a little, enough for him to recognize the visitors.  
He squeezed the hand that was holding his, then he tried to speak, it was painful, he felt fitte everywhere, his chest hurt like hell with every breath and he had tubes in his nose.   
Astrid was crying and Saga never seemed so distressed.  
“Hey.” Just a murmur, enough to be alive.   
“Dad! How are you?”  
“I'm ok.”  
“You're not ok, you've had a surgery for your lungs and your left leg is broken.” Saga, always true to her nature.  
“We were so worried.” Astrid added. “You can’t leave me, you promised.”  
Henrik smiled, glad his girls were there, he made an effort to ask about his little boy.  
Saga informed him Hans was with Lillian in the waiting room.  
“I ..see.. Hans”  
“He's so small, visiting rules are ….”  
His eyes were pliant, Saga's eyes darted around, in visible conflict, rules against heart, then she walked out, looking for his boss.  
“How is he?” Lllian asked with a broken voice, feeling the responsibility of the operation that went wrong.   
“Not well, but alive. He wants to see Hans.”  
“It's not a good idea.”   
“He needs his son.”   
Saga took the baby and returned to Henrik; no nurses around to protest, but they couldn’t stop Saga in a mission. Henrik’s face shone when he saw his baby; Saga lowered him and Henrik caressed the little arm.   
“Thanks.”  
His hand retracted, touching Saga’s on the way, lingering on her fingers.  
“Whatever happens, we signed …”  
“Nothing is going to happen, you’ll be home soon.”   
“Dad, be quiet!”  
Astrid was watching the monitors, Henrik was getting restless and his pulsation increased.   
“Astrid, take Hans with you before someone arrives.”  
When alone, Saga took Henrik’s hand.  
“We signed papers because Astrid is not of legal age, but you’re their father and they need you. Until you’re out of here I’ll live with them at your place.”  
Impulsive decision. Dangerous choice.  
The way Henrik was relieved told Saga it was a good idea.  
He closed his eyes, when he reopened them Saga was still holding his hand; he moved his fingers to caress her palm, at first she was trembling, then she leaned on the bed and her lips touched his.  
Their first kiss. Between effects of sedation, pain everywhere and incredulity to be alive, Henrik was aware that he could easily never have felt Saga’s lips.  
When he saw the van pointing at the car in a desperate escape attempt, he revisited his life in a few seconds.  
If he was going to meet Alice and Anna again, there was regret not to see Astrid and Hans grow.  
It had to be his destiny, loose or be lost? Never fully enjoy one of his offspring?   
The hit was painless, his head shook forward, then backwards, a loud thud and a scream.   
An ambulance’s siren, voices saying air bag and vest saved him, the sting of a injection and before drowning into unconsciousness he thought about Saga, alone with a teenager and a baby. Could she cope?  
Henrik prayed God to have mercy of him for Saga and the kids.

Margrethe arrived and fell on a chair when Saga explained Henrik was reacting well; she offered to keep the grandchildren at her house, Saga refused. She had already asked Linn a short leave, decided for a babysitter service during the day when she’d return in service and planned to move her things back in Denmark, having woken up the landlord at half past six to end the rent of her flat.  
The doctors predicted six weeks before Henrik could be autonomous again.  
Astrid wasn't happy to do the moving, the prospect to fill dad’s car with boxes and bags and to do it again when he'd be back make her tired at the mere thought.  
“Why don’t you stay for good? I don’t want to move again everything in two months.”  
“We'll see when Henrik is back.”  
Saga had always thought she couldn't live with Henrik and a child, the pregnancy was an exception to the general rule because she needed Henrik and the child was still to come. Now the situation was different, he wasn't there and she was needed.  
When they arrived home from the night in hospital, Hans was hungry and Astrid fell asleep full dressed on her bed.  
Saga took a milk bottle, heated it, at the same time controlling if there were eggs for an omelette. She sat on the couch with Hans in the crook of her arm and offered him the bottle. He drank fast, Saga wondered if she should give him another one, then decided to wait after the nap.   
She was tired, but she changed Hans, started the washing machine, called Astrid’s school to explain her absence, set the table on, prepared and offered Astrid brunch, cancelled her therapy session, cleaned off, controlled Hans in his crib then moved him into the double bed between cushions, called the hospital for news about Henrik, prepared a bag with underwear and bathroom items and when she lied near Hans - the alarm clock set in three hours and three hours half to return to the hospital in the afternoon – she fell asleep immediately. 

The first alarm woke Saga; knowing she had another half an hour to rest, she turned on her left side to check on Hans, then she closed her eyes, thinking about the things to do. Managing a house with three people by herself was a new experience, being busy avoided her to worry about Henrik. She didn't noticed the way Hans moved closer. He was whining and restless, hungry; Saga felt too tired to got up and heat a bottle, so she simply lift off her t shirt and offered him her breasts, full and in need of help.   
Hans found the nipple easily, he was well into his third month of life and she noticed the difference since the last time she feed him so: the suction was stronger and Hans wanted both breasts.  
She examined her son carefully, like she was observing him for the first time.   
A strange sense of peace, lying with her baby in half darkness and silence.  
Henrik used to say Hans had Saga's smile, but she noticed the cheekbones, the cut of the eyes, the large nose, all Henrik's.  
What if the outcome of the accident was fatal? Saga realised she could never leave the kids, not regarding what they signed. 

Daily visits in hospital with clean clothes, candies, books, newspapers: Henrik was hard to manage for Sag, concerned as he was about life at home. His questions were continuous.  
Did Hans sleep? Did Astrid eat enough? Was Saga tired?   
He insisted to leave the bed since the third day, although his chest sent signals of pain with every attempt to speed up the recovery. Saga chastised him, using her best bossy attitude, until he resigned to his doctor's prognosis.   
Saga took Hans for a visit to his pediatrician, who joked a little about apprehensive first time mothers and was frozen by Saga's punctual questions about toddlers: she wanted to be 100% sure Hans was well and she was taking excellent care of him.   
Saga kept to herself her anxieties regarding Astrid: the separation from her father and Saga as the only adult at home was impacting hard on the teenager. Astrid’s bigger fear, to loose her father again, was coming true.  
Saga struggled to analyze the implications, she once failed with her sister and Henrik trusted her to leave his children in her hands.  
Astride could not concentrate on her homework, she read the same page again and again without understanding not memorizing it. A maths text was with zero answers, a parent was summoned at school, Saga had to go.  
Approaching the building, memories of her school time came to the surface, forgotten for years.   
Her mind was brilliant, the teachers gave her excellent votes, her behaviour cut her off from social interactions.  
A teacher proposed a psychiatric evaluation of Saga during her third year, the history teacher – father of a boy with some of Saga's characteristics – fight against the idea and won.   
The math teacher offered Saga a chair and a cup of coffee.  
“So you're Astrid's stepmother.”  
“Her caretaker in absence of her father, my partner is in hospital.”   
“I was told, but still I was surprised of the test outcome.”  
“Can I see it?”   
Geometry, demonstrations using theorems.   
“It s too difficult for her to concentrate now. Was she distracted during the test? She wrote something for the first exercise, then stopped.”  
“We had a alarm, probably a cigarette in the bathroom, nothing serious. The bell rang but our staff is trained.”  
“In Astrid's situation it gives uncertainty, she has the right to repeat the test.”  
The same evening Saga opened the maths book returning to her high school time; she liked maths the pure essence of numbers, formulas, demonstrations. A clean, neat world, where rules were respected and verified.   
Astrid was nervous, it was her first insufficient vote.  
“It's too difficult, I see the numbers and I get lost.”  
“Did you have problems at the other school?”   
“Maths was never my forte but votes were sufficient. My teacher suggested private lessons, Frank refused to pay then or help me.”   
“Henrik knows you need lessons?”   
“No, dad's different, he already helps me in English and geography. I cannot add another thing on him. I want to do good by myself.”   
“I can help you with maths so you'll try again the test alone next week. I did a deal with your teacher.”  
Astrid's face lighted up. “Can you, really? You're good, aren't you”  
“I was an excellent student, top of my class. Never tried as a teacher. I'll show you my method, you'll get rewards for every good test.”  
“Agreed.”


	12. Chapter 12

CH 12

Coming home was a pure relief for Henrik; Saga drove his car to collect him from the hospital and when they arrived in Amager Henrik closed his eyes not to cry, for how much he missed his house and his children.  
The festive season was close and he was a little sad celebrations – the first Christmas with his children after so many years – would be in minor key.  
It was difficult to walk with bust and crutches, the leg in a rigid tutor from heel to knee, but he was home at least.  
He leaned on the couch, Saga positioned a pouf to keep the leg up and placed Hans id his arms.  
Astrid left around six for the cinema with a classmate and her big sister, Saga's reward for her excellent maths test; Saga was in live chat with the team discussing her last case, the petroleum scandal to uncover - then she asked Henrik his desires for dinner.  
“Whatever you want. I'm not hungry.”  
“Tell me what you wish.” She insisted. “You have to get nourishment.”  
“It doesn't matter, something from the microwave. I'm used to hospital food. I lost three kilos.”  
“I can cook.” Saga declared proudly.  
“Do you?” He seemed incredulous, the truth was Astrid never complained about food when visiting him.  
“I started with basic. Astrid helped me, we had enough of canned or defrosted food. We read your books and tried some recipes. First time we burned quite everything or used too much salt. Astrid called your mother for help. We throw away uneatable food. But with her salads and my pastas we managed well.”  
The idea of Saga cooking for him made Henrik extremely happy.  
“I'd like to try your pasta.”  
It was strange to see Saga behind his fires; after a few minutes Henrik realised that she knew well what she was doing.  
He moved slowly to sat on one of the high chair, to observe Saga better.  
She opened the book – careful to control the recipe, Mediterranean bol – and was efficient in every gesture.  
Quite a professional, concentrated in her task - also when John called with a new link with Rotterdam harbour - tasting the sauce, adding salt, olives and some anchovies, using the timer for pasta cooking.  
Henrik decided not to suggest Saga it was better to try often and don’t rely on the timer only.  
It was a pleasant surprise when she offered him a forkful asking him to try with 30 seconds still to go. It was quite perfect, just half a minute short.  
The timer rang, Saga drained the pasta and put the pasta in the saucepan.  
“Cooks suggest to mix everything before serving.”  
He nodded, taking a clean napkin; the dish seemed tempting, after the tasteless hospital food.  
He find it too spiced at first, having to drink a glasses of water to ease his mouth.  
Saga stared at him.  
“It's a normal reaction, I used half anchovies from the original recipe and avoided pepper because you're used to insipid meals.”  
He ate another forkful and she was impatient to know his opinion; her face showed curiosity and Henrik teased her a little; in the end she had to ask.  
“So how it is?”  
“Good, really good. You did great. Whenever you want to cook from now on, feel free.”  
“Christmas is in a week, I’ll never be able to prepare a proper dinner, you have to invite your mother or go to your cousins.”  
“I don't care the dinner, I just want to spend the day with you and the kids.”  
Henrik took Hans from the crib, sat on the couch and asked the bottle to feed the baby; Saga simply sat beside him, took off the t shirt and opened the nursing bra.  
Henrik was speechless.  
“What are you dong?”  
“Feeding him.”  
“But he has the bottles. And you planned three months only.”  
“We returned to the breast the day you had the accident, he likes this way. He’s quieter after and I feel the suction less mechanical than the pump. I can go on for a little while.”  
Hans started sucking immediately and Saga leaned more on the couch, Henrik was mesmerized. He couldn’t help himself to observe he scene, his eyes fixed on Hans little mouth, such an intimate act Saga was sharing with him.  
She was quiet, relaxed, eyes closed and her breathing was normal; when Hans finished, she swiftly made him burp. Henrik was stupefied to see the close bond between mother and son, all he endured after the accident was worth just to witness that scene. A prayer on his lips, thanking God for being alive.  
Saga put the baby back in the crib, went to the bathroom and was back with a tube. She started applying cream on her nipples, rubbing with care a thin layer all around the places Hans' mouth had just left.  
“Does he hurt you?”  
“Not with this cream, I bought it to avoid problems. Notice how soft the skin is.”  
She took Henrik's hand and placed it over her left breast.  
For Henrik it was another surprise, his hand stood still, registering only the heat of her skin, the roundness of the soft mound. For how long he had dreamed to touch Saga there, to have another part of her to feel.  
She asked why he was afraid. Fear to hurt you, he replied.  
“You're gentler than Hans.”  
His hand remained light, he traced the contour of the globe then put the cup back in place.

 

To clean up himself, Henrik started with his facial hairs; his chin was a mess, the nurses had washed him at hospital but at home he wanted to be presentable.  
He called Saga from the bathroom when he finished, she examined him with a curious expression, he appeared different shaved.  
“Are you going to be shaved from now on?“  
Henrik smiled, she wasn't indifferent to his appearance; she could try to deny it, but he had noticed since they got personally close how Saga reacted whenever other women made appreciations or stared at him. The way she moved closer to place herself between him and the other woman, as to clarify her claim on Henrik.  
“How would you like me?”  
Saga compared the version and stated she preferred Henrik with his facial hair.  
“I'll let it grow again. I need to take a shower, the tutor is water proof, can you help me disrobe?”  
Saga was caught by surprise but there was no one else; Astrid was young, no way to see her father naked.  
Henrik leaned against the tiled wall for support, Saga started with his cardigan, then the t shirt; the bust followed and Henrik's chest was bare in front of her.  
She noticed the lost of weight and muscles, not only the hospital stay but also all Henrik endured during the year affected his body; he was thinner and his skin was pale, red signs where plastic rubbed against skin. He observed the way her eyes roamed on his body, she still liked what he offered.  
“You’re pale, you need sun.”  
“We’ll go to the sea in spring with Hans. His first time on the sand. Astrid will get some tan, too.”  
“I never went to the sea.” Saga bite her lower lip. “No family holidays.”  
“Are you able to swim?”  
“A little.”  
“I’ll teach you. Astrid says she seldom swam at the village.”  
“I'm afraid of deep water.”  
“Trust me. I did a rescue curse in academy. ”  
He was getting her logic now, he was getting her more than ever..  
She changed subject, freeing him of his gym trousers, then kneeled to peel off both socks.  
Saga placed the rubber carpet in position and opened the hot water, then pointed at the bottles on the shelf.  
“Which shower gel do you want?”  
“Citrus fruits.”  
“Be careful, your ribs are still healing, I'll stay here in case of need.”  
There was still a piece of clothing to take off. Saga placed her fingers into the waistband of his boxers and pulled down.  
His body had reacted to her presence, Henrik excused himself; he longed for her, it was the first time she was disrobing him, for Saga it could be a nurse-like service, for him it was simply her proximity.  
“It's normal. We haven't had sex since your accident.”  
“My leg is out of service.”  
“We’ll manage.”  
“Not your favourite position.”  
Saga’s eyes took a different light, she inhaled deeply, then grabbed a towel from the rack and wrapped it around his midriff.  
“Go in the bedroom, I'm coming, shower will wait.”  
Saga stopped the water then controlled Hans in the living room, putting the baby speaker on. What a great invention to keep her son controlled; Henrik had been a little sceptical, but Saga had bought it with no hesitation.  
She returned to the bedroom, closing the door carefully not to wake Astrid.  
Henrik was sat on he bed, naked, Saga scanned his body, from head to toe: still beautiful, one of the most handsome man she ever met.  
Still hers. After three years, back and forth from hell, after a child and a family she never imagined she could have.  
He leaned on the cushions to observe her gestures, relaxed and with a sensation of peace he seldom felt before.  
His house, his bed, his lover.  
Saga undressed, slowly, keeping eye contact. At first a little shy, then she gained confidence and in the end she took the hem of her t shirt, stopped for just a fraction, to make him notice her move; when Henrik gave a little nod she took off the garment.  
No bra under it, she was totally exposed, this time neither the water was protecting her from his burning gaze.  
Henrik extended both arms to call her close, but Saga moved the armchair and Henrik understood the reason, so he took his towel, placed it on the seat and sat..  
She straddled him avoiding to hurt, when she had him inside her, with a good angle and the right pressure, his hips started moving, following her lead, eyes locked and both concentrated on the other only.  
“I love you.” He whispered. “I need you now more than ever.”  
She knew she needed him, too, for real this time. Her fears to belong to and be taken care by somebody were drifting away with each passing day  
Henrik’s kindness has won her over.


	13. Chapter 13

CH 13

Margrethe wanted her family reunited around her table on new year’s eve; she and Alexandra didn’t mind to cook for eleven people, including Mads, back from Amsterdam with his girlfriend, and Alexandra’s husband and twin sons.   
Margrethe had let Henrik spend Christmas with the children and Saga only, the equilibrium between them was too fragile to risk an exposure to the extended family.  
They gathered together before the holidays for Astrid’s drama school performance, Henrik so proud his girl had one of the lead roles, his eyes watery during all the play.  
Saga was having her first Christmas break, she had always volunteered to fill those shifts, no one to spend the festive days with; when her team had to plan the holidays, she was asked to choose first and she stared at the sheet unsure of what to do. Her selfish side wanted to be with Henrik and grab the best days, her police side tried to put work first. But she was the mother of a toddler, John declared, few kids services were open at the end of December and Henrik was still recovering, so Saga wrote her name on the days between Christmas and the beginning of January. Still she declared her availability in case of emergencies – mostly to justify her inner part that was against the luxury of a private family time – and she was deeply surprised in finding on her desk a gift from her team, a red beret with smiling reindeers for Hans.   
When the relatives left - Alexandra and family for home, Mads and Lise for a friend’s house - Henrik remained in the sitting room with Hans and Astrid, watching a seasonal movie, his daughter curled up against his side, his son sleeping in his lap; Saga and Margrethe went into the kitchen to drink a cup of coffee, where the oven offered its last warmth and the smell of the cake pervaded the room. The older woman sighed, twisting the cup in her hand, a gesture similar to Henrik’s.  
“Me and Karl used to sit here and make a balance of the year. I wish he’d be here now, he’d be proud of his son and of you. I miss him.”   
“You never found someone else? Your husband died many years ago.”  
“No, I loved him so much. I had a boyfriend before him, for two years. We were talking about marriage when he run away, scared of commitments. He’s still a bachelor. I suspected he was a little strange because, well…he was so clumsy the few times we were together.”  
Margrethe went to the sink, she never shared details of her private life with Alice; Saga inspired her, she witnessed her change from the first time they met to the last weeks, how hard Saga worked for Henrik and the children after the accident.   
“And you had anyone serious before Henrik?” Margrethe wanted to know more about the woman who shared her son’s life with.  
Saga put her cup down, the right answer would be negative, Henrik had not been her first man, but sure he was her first committed partner; there had been Jakob, his boyish smile, his impulsiveness and how badly she had treated him in not letting him get close.  
“Once. But it went wrong because I thought I had to study to be in a relationship. Concentrating on following rules from books. So without rules there was no relationship.”   
With Jakob, Saga struggled to make it work and she wasn’t able to grasp Martin’s suggestions.  
Henrik started with sex and sex was easy to identify and define. The borders between sex and commitment could be clearly traced on a map.  
“Now it's different, I was eating breakfast on Christmas morning and I looked around and all my life was there. “  
The proofs of a relationship were easy to notice, in the living room there was her white round table covered with work documents, one of Henrik’s chair under it, her books lied on the couch with Hans’ blanket partially over them and when Astrid lamented she forgot her brush at Margrethe’s Saga said hers was on the bathroom shelf.   
Margrethe smiled, the longest talk she had with the woman she considered her second daughter in law.   
“There wasn’t any more my things or Astrid’s or Henrik’s, it felt shared. And I had less fear to control everything that was mine. During my first attempt at cohabitation I was nervous to see his things in my place, now it is ours. I can work from home because I trust them.”  
Margaret said it was a great step, Saga nodded, it was a revelation, like when she decided Hernmik was too important for her to abort. She told Margrethe about the killer who never wanted to be born, the similarities she felt with his pain, adding she couldn’t imagine not having Hans now.   
Once she questioned Martin about his inability at relationship, trying in vain to see patterns and help for her own inexperience; but Jakob was doomed from the beginning, she simply didn’t love him, used him as a guinea pig for her experiment in human interactions. Now, admitting Henrik was more than the father of Astrid and Hans, that he was her man, felt right; her brain had shifted his role in a fluid way. 

 

“My mother refused to see me grow and dressed me like Jennifer. She sewed identical clothes until my teen years to conceal my body.”  
Long conversations during the winter evenings about their past. Henrik absorbed the difficulties Saga had to face with her parents and the absolute fear of intimacy she experimented for years.   
Henrik had seen the photos from which Saga had been cut off; when he told her he used the scissors to erase Frank from Astrid and Anna’s photo, Saga took a folder with the photos of her little sister. Henrik was shocked, torn between the similarities he felt with Saga's mother behaviour and his hate for Frank. The evil woman had quite succeeded in her effort to ruin Saga’s life, Henrik prayed every day not to fall in Frank’s trap with Astrid.   
“When my breasts started to show she shouted I was dirty and when I asked her to buy me a bra because I needed it she refused. She hit me with a belt on my chest to punish me for the request.  
I had red marks for days. I was ashamed and collected money from everywhere until I could afford the cheapest bra on sale.”  
Saga had let Henrik fully fondle and kiss her breasts the first time they had sex after Henrik's leg was free.   
Her voice lost the aseptic tone she used in describing events happened to other people; it was Saga's own tale, the real girl who suffered years of abuse. If she had spoken so freely from the beginning, Henrik would never made her go through the pregnancy, he'd accepted her first decision, he'd welcomed it. Saga pointed out she'd never been able to understand her original family without having another to compare with and she 'd never overcome her mother's hate without having her own child.   
“I’ve lived for years thinking my failures were my genetic faults and not a normal process of learning, I retracted from everything I couldn’t control.”  
“I was opposite, my mother was so skilful and she helped my cousins that I felt inadequate, I wanted my own children and when I had them I didn’t know what to do. The most stupid man on earth. I never asked my mother suggestions how to solve my marriage problems.”   
Henrik took her hand – nor that Saga suddenly had become the cuddable type – it was their private gesture to express support and understanding.   
“I thought I’d ruin everything again.” He admitted, fears of failure still deep in his mind, working with his theraphist to overcome them. “But look at how we're now.”  
“Considering the psycho social difficulties we faced, I think we're doing good.”

 

The last question of the therapy session played on saga’s mind during the drive home and she sat on the couch staring at the windows.   
Why she kept Hans?   
After months of counselling, she was close to the core: the therapist wanted Saga to evaluate at which level she took the decision to refuse the abortion..  
Rationally, Saga knew it would have been a bad choice from every point of view, considering her personal and family history.   
She examined her instincts, for millenniums, before civilization developed, women like all the females searched for a partner with the best genes to carry on the specie, a man able to protect, care, feed and fight for his mate and their children.  
Henrik had that and more, enough to counteract her bad genes, but other men could provide the same outcome.   
Were there emotions involved?   
Did she want to compensate Henrik for the lost daughter? He could find compensation with another woman, another family.   
Lillian said Hans would tie them forever, so it was fear to be parted from him, to see him loving someone else, finding happiness in another embrace, in another body?  
Was it simply jealousy? One of the basic feelings of all? Or on a higher level she wanted Hans because it would be Henrik’s and she wanted him as the father of her child? Henrik’d never leave or hurt the mother of his child, all the times Saga tested him to confirm her theory to be always let down, he stood by her side. 

 

Henrik loved how Saga and Astrid interacted, a strong bond developed during his forced stay in hospital and later after he was at home with the cast.  
He wondered how Alice would have dealt with their daughter's traumas: his late wife had been caring and sweet, an intelligent woman, a good mother, but her life – a wealthy family, university, marriage at a young age and an office work – were not the best qualities to face the effects of a long kidnapping. The “if only” of his life were heavy on his shoulders when he looked back at his past, but his world had changed forever since he met his special woman for the first time, since he asked Lillian to be teamed up with her.   
He was glad Saga was sharing his house and during the winter evenings, after the children were sleeping, he continued his rehabilitation, then Saga would gave him a leg rub to soothe the aching muscles. When Saga was touching her man – for more minutes than doctors' order, to have him under her fingers - she remembered the way she held her little sister during the painful days of illness.   
Henrik knew Saga considered Astrid another Jennifer, someone to help, someone who experienced the same abyss and didn’t succumb, because Astrid had a family that maybe wasn’t perfect but was devoted and aware of her troubles.


	14. Chapter 14

CH 14

An idea was playing in Henrik’s mind since the accident; he wanted to discuss it with Saga without upsetting her, because she had declared she'd stay until he was off the cast, then until he’d stop using crutches: he was back at work and Saga still woke up at his side.  
So Henrik every morning left for the office with the subtle fear Saga could decide to leave, every evening he went to bed with the happiness for another day spent together.  
Astrid returned home from a shopping trip with Margrethe holding two Easter chocolate bunnies – one for her, one for Saga – and a stuffed bunny for Hans; Saga looked at the gifts and at the calendar, Easter was in two weeks.  
“How do you plan to spend Easter?” she asked Henrik before dinner.  
“I don’t know yet. Astrid, do you have ideas?”  
His daughter shook her head.  
“Whatever you decide is fine for me, I've got a classmate birthday party the Saturday after Easter and we’re going to get her present on Friday. Saga?”  
Saga gulped down her chocolate tail – she was too concentrated in tasting the sweetness of the food - and her eyes passed from father to daughter.  
“I don’t have plans. I used to work, like at Christmases.”  
Henrik nodded and put turned on the fires to start cooking, but he patted for a while the smooth marble surface absently, to find the right words.  
“There’s something I’d like for Easter, to baptize Hans in my old church.”  
“It's a big surprise.” Astride voice barely a whisper.  
Henrik avoided to reveal his idea soon after the birth, when the situation with Saga was too fragile and delicate; he felt now it was the right time.  
“You and Anna were baptized there, too..”  
Saga was quiet. Angry? Bothered? Annoyed? Disappointed? Henrik couldn't read her face.  
“My father wanted to baptize me, my mother opposed so he and his mother did it in her absence. My mother got so angry when she discovered it years after. With Jennifer, he desisted.”  
“It's not an obligation, Saga. We'll decide together.”  
He wanted to avoid the reply that Hans was his child and he could do whatever he wanted; it would be a lie, Hans was theirs, the elephant in the room Saga continued to ignore.  
He added hurriedly they could have a very private christening, just close relatives and the priest.  
“You want it and I'm not against it. It’s just a symbolic ritual of initiation to the community. It won’t harm Hans. The more private, the better.”  
The organization was fast, Hassler understood the strange situation and suggested the Saturday before Easter, so the small group gathered in the church; Lillian as the godmother, cousin Mads as the godfather.  
Saga observed with attention the gestures and listened to Astrid’s short reading, a passage she choose with her father from the gospels, a first time discovery for Astrid and a forgotten youth memory for Henrik.  
Astrid’s voice filled the church, clear and vibrant, narrating the meeting of John the Baptist and Jesus along the river.  
Hans was quiet all time, not caring the drops of water on his face; he was the same toddler of an hour before, but Saga noticed Henrik’s features were relaxed and she understood the celebration had given him a deep sense of peace.  
She was glad to have accepted his request, her beliefs were unchanged, her rational mind had difficulties to relate to spiritual aspects, still various philosophers and anthropologists wrote about religion not as a superstructure or as a way to control people, more as a basic need for mankind since the evolution of civilization.  
Whatever the name given to the divinity – Zeus, mother earth, Jesus, Buddha – whatever the rituals, the presence of God could be a blessing and a refuge for the hardest days of life.  
After lunch at Margrethe’s house, Saga asked Henrik to take a walk with her on a path between the fields; he had told her so many times his favourite paths when he was young, some were now blocked by new roads or new fences, but there was still the walk up the small hill with the ancient stone, named the Viking seat’s by the local children.  
“My idea to give up rights and duties is unpractical. It’s impossible for us to see each other without him, I should have understood it since the beginning, since the offer.”  
Henrik didn’t dare to speak, he knew it had been an impossible proposal, still he had glued to it like it was his lifeline; he breathed then went for a neutral comment, to let Saga continue.  
“You took good care of him while I was wounded.”  
“He needed me. Like Astrid. It was strange to be needed so much.”  
“In hospital I kept thinking about you all the time, how you’d manage the kids, the house.”  
He still remembered the uselessness he felt then, it was temporary, the doctors told him he had been lucky, he’d be home soon, but the separation from his loved ones was terrible; he lived for the visiting hours.  
“I need you, and the kids, too. I see how much Hans like to be in your lap, you’re great with him.”  
“I though I’d never been able to take care of him. Maternal instincts and that kind of interaction…”  
“We can change and learn during our life. And you’re a great learner.”  
“Martin helped me a lot, then I lost him and I was back square one. Another one had let me down.”  
“I’m here.”  
“Remember when I came to your house, first time? I was drawn to you. The need was stronger than the fear.”  
“And I dared to tell you my secret.”  
“I stayed without sex. A first time for me.”  
When they returned home, Margaret was in the kitchen teaching Astrid how to knit a coloured scarf in three shades of green.  
Saga observed while Henrik filled a glass with water.  
“Do you want to try?” Astrid asked Saga, pausing her work to observe Margrethe’s new knit stitch.  
“No thanks. My manual skills aren’t impressive.”  
“Which skills do you have?”  
“I read lots of books to learn things.”  
“Do you like to see things too?”  
“Yes, you learn a lot by seeing or doing things.”  
Astrid and her grandmother exchanged a look, Margrethe stood and took an envelope from a drawer.  
“Astrid and me want you to do something new together. Saga’s off work until Wednesday so we planned a mini holiday for you in Goteborg, here’s the hotel booking, two museums card and a list of city attractions. “  
Henrik put the glass on the sink with a thud.  
“We cannot leave!”  
“Why not, dad? We’ll stay with granny, Mads’ here too and Alexandra lives close.”  
Henrik tried to oppose his daughter, whose determination was strong, supported by Margrethe’s  
“Saga deserves a break and you had few time to be alone. It’s just for two nights, go pack a light trolley. Hurry up!”  
Henrik turned to Saga, strangely silent; he feared a impulsive reaction, like when she was forced to do something, instead saga was reading the booking.  
“It’s a no refund, if we don’t go Margrethe will loose the money. Universeum tickets. I’ve read about it. And we have lunch at the botanical garden.”  
“So.. you want to go?” Henrik seemed unsure to simply ask saga her intentions, such was the surprise.  
“Why not? The kids are safe here, it is less than four hours drive, weather forecast is good. It will be interesting.”  
Henrik looked at the three women around him and resigned. 

 

“This is what you wished when we talked about taking a break?”  
Henrik was resting his aching back on the chair of the hotel room, putting the bags on the floor.  
They spent the afternoon at Universeum: Saga had been happy like a child to room around the various exposition areas, the labs, the animals; she was testing her knowledge and learning new things from the panels.  
He was simply watching her, he had never see Saga so relaxed and curious. In the morning they walked through the old town, Saga took endless photo with her phone, sending Astrid the most beautiful.  
In the ocean zone Saga turned to him, asking if he remembered the sharks they saw in Copenhagen. When he answered playfully that they sure were still swimming, Saga proposed to take the kids there soon; Henrik nodded, unable to speak for the lump in the throat, the idea they could plan things to do together.  
Then Saga showed her efficiency again in the shop, buying educational gifts for Hans, t shirts for Astrid with animals printed on them, a series of mugs for Margrethe, books for herself.  
Henrik took the heavy bags and asked to return to the hotel to change and shower before dinner.  
Saga wasn’t tired, the novelty of their first holiday together gave her energy, but she noticed the signs of tiredness on Henrik.  
Henrik took off the boots and lied over the duvet in undershirt and trousers.  
“Our table is booked for 8 p.m..”  
“Is the restaurant far from here?”  
“No, and after dinner we can walk and see the city in the evening.”  
Her eyes shone at the idea to see the city in another light.  
“Good. You relax now, I’ll shower before you.”  
“Saga, can you just stay with me for a while?”  
She stared at him in a curious way but lied beside him on the soft mattress.  
“I’m glad we’re here. Mom and Astrid were right.”  
“It’s not far, interesting and there’s no language barrier.”  
“I’d like us to travel a little in the future, Astrid deserves to know the world.”  
“Hans can be in a back carrier on your shoulders.”  
“Sure he can, I’ll reinforce my back to carry him. I’m not used to walk so much, I need more training.” He stretched his back and Saga heard a crack in his left shoulder.  
An arm moved on the bed to reach Henrik’s neck and upper shoulder; the contact with skin made him shiver. He leaned into the touch and let out a soft moan when Saga reached a knot of nerves.  
“I’m not so tired anymore. We could take a shower together later.”  
“Do you want to have sex?”  
His answer was to take off his undershirt. 

 

Saga collected the bank documents, the monthly credit card lists, the bills, to store them in a new black folder to keep each for ten years.  
It was thinner than usual, sharing house with Henrik for most of the previous year had reduced her expenses a lot.  
Astrid observed the sheets spread on the floor, half a circle around Saga; it was her way to deal with multiple documents, also regarding work, when she took home thick envelopes of computer printouts from banks or from the state financial department.  
She had to ask a permission to travel with police documents to Denmark after she was topped teivce on the bridge by the custom in her way from office to home. Obtaining a continuous time at work to have more space for Hans, she used at home computer, tablet and phone to stay in touch with her team; Astrid often opened the door to one of Saga’s detectives, come to Denmark for a short meeting at the round table under the front window, Saga's home office.  
Astride needed help for maths, Saga stopped and Astrid's homework was longer Saga imagined, then Henrik called for dinner – they knew how much he hated eating cold food – so saga returned to her papers only when the house was quiet, the children in bed and Henrik was cleaning the kitchen.  
Saga kneeled on the floor, wanting to complete the storage and retire for the night.  
She grabbed some invoices, divided the first ones, then stopped.  
“Did you remember when I used a fake name to rent the cabin on the lake?”  
Hentrik turned, curious.  
“You never asked me which name.”  
“For me, it was too upsetting the mere idea you lied.”  
Saga handed Henrik the invoice, paid in cash, to the name of Alice Sabroe.  
“You used hers?”  
“I was sure that way no one would find me. time to think alone was too important, when you want to hide a tree, which place is better than the forest?”  
Henrik was confused, Saga always declared she'd never be like Alice, instead she used her name.  
“You did everything the opposite Alice did.”  
“Deep down I wanted to be her, she got you, she was your wife, and then I was carrying your child, like she did, so I wanted to take her place and I denied everything she meant for you at the same time.”  
“My therapist discussed the meaning of the cup you gave me.”  
“Did he quote Freud?”  
Henrik nodded.  
“Clever, after I created it I understood the reason.”  
Alice's ghost lingered between them during the days between the confession of his family disappearance and the dna skeleton result.  
If Alice was found alive, would Henrik return to her, for the girls, to give his marriage another chance? Or would Henrik blame Alice for the years of desperation, pain and grief?  
Saga had asked Henrik that difficult question before her trial and he had no answers.  
He was a widow after six long years, free to be involved with another woman, the confirmation Alice was gone gave him relief, of which he felt shameful; he could have started a procedure to declare Alice officially dead - maybe to remarry one day – but doing so meant he'd kill his daughters too.  
Henrik sat on the floor, legs crossed, beside Saga; things developed in such a natural way his huge insecurities regarding them as a couple were put to rest.  
The Saga who would have run off immediately at the idea of living with children was the same woman able to manage an unconventional family; the revelation of Saga’s feeling regarding Alice further increased Henrik's idea things were getting slowly better.  
He decided to be honest and open.  
“I see your point, she was my wife, you're my partner. I’ll accept whatever you decide about us. If you ever, ever need, also a wedding ring.”  
Saga looked at him, surprised, not shocked as she may have been a year before; she took a breath before her reply.  
“That's not necessary.”  
“I know, still there’s the offer. And something else. I want Hans to speak both our languages, I’d like you to teach him Swedish.”  
Saga’s face showed a new light, she smiled fondly, her eyes widened, searching for his.  
“Henrik, I’ve understood that I’m in love with you.”


	15. Chapter 15

CH 15

Saga and Henrik were sitting on two large towels on the beach, a basket full of food and beverages at their feet, Hans was resting in his carrier in a shadowy spot under the umbrella with a full tummy and Astrid was lying on a towel a few meters afar, getting the first tan of the season.   
The day was sunny and hot, a lovely late spring, lots of people had the same idea and the beach was quite crowded.   
Henrik had taken a bath as soon as they arrived, he swam for a long trait, wanting to reinforce his body.  
Astrid had refused to wet herself, she woke up with her period, still irregular, because she was too thin, the doctor had stated when Saga had accompanied her to a check up.   
Blood tests and other exams were inconclusive, the doctor suggested Astrid to take the pill as a way to regulate her body and after the summer to reserve another consult.  
Astrid was happy to have Saga to talk about female topics, she was embarrassed to discuss such details with her father.   
Saga was matter of fact about sex and explained the pill could be a useful solution with boyfriends, but she was clear it was not a total protection, nor in case of a pregnancy neither with sexually transmitted diseases. Her own copper coil failure at an age most people considered quite safe was a memento, Astrid was too young and vulnerable to risk in that compartment so without Henrik knowing Saga passed her a box of condoms, just to be safe.   
Henrik called Saga from the shore to bring him Hans, so she rolled up further her shorts, took off her shoes, lifted Hans up and entered the water to the knees.  
Henrik took the baby in his arms and slowly made his tiny feet touch the water, Hans squealed in delight, at home he loved to be bathed.  
With slow movements Henrik lowered Hans into the water, careful to keep head and shoulders up, just letting him moving his limbs, then he took the baby to his chest, wrapped his arms around him and sat on the sand. Saga was observing carefully, he'd swore her he’d hold Hans the whole time, never loosing full contact.   
“You can teach him how to swim, I think he likes the water a lot.”  
“We could go to a swimming pool together, you and Astrid can improve your style and I can keep Hans in the small one. I’m sure there are lessons for toddlers and parents.”  
“We’ll see, now he must eat, and you too. you both can swim again after three hours from lunch.”   
Henrik didn’t wanted to argue, he was happy things were settling well, Saga had a hard time with Astrid’s school, work, Henrik’s rehabilitation, she had to use extra shift credits and some days off to cope with the family needs.  
She was visibly tired, the strain of Henrik accident caused her stress, he suspected also the decision to live with them; Saga deserved lot of attentions.  
He had fill the basket with sandwiches, a homemade salt cake, fruits, his apple pie, cold tea and orange juice; they ate slowly, looking at the sea.   
After lunch, resting on the blanket, his hands crossed under his head, Henrik observed Saga, busy giving Hans a sip of water and making him lay comfortable in the carrier. She had learned a lot of things about child caring, he knew it was not instinct but a lot of readings and confrontations with the mothers using the same babysitter service.  
Astrid decided to take a short walk with saga before starting her new book; she was taking Saga’s attitude toward reading, her room had new shelves and she and Saga shared their weekly book purchases.   
Henrik observed them walking to and from the pier, sometimes stopping to collect a shell or a little stone, placing them in a small bag Astrid wanted to fill.   
Saga sat near Henrik, the rhythm of the waves captivating, Saga felt hypnotized by them, counting each seventh. Was it really the bigger one? Could the mermaid of the legend indeed appear?   
At first she didn’t realised Henrik was speaking at her.   
“I think to quit active force for real this time. I was happy to return as a detective but I cannot risk again. Lillian mentioned me there is a shortage of instructor at the academy, I could take my exams and apply for it.”  
The idea to leave had roots also before the accident, his priorities had changed and he was well aware of the situation.  
With a toddler and a teenager he was busy, Astrid’s hidden wounds still raw, Saga was still learning to accept a family and Hans depended on both parents.  
“I’ll miss not working with you, but our lives have changed so much I think we are better as life partners than working partners. And if one has to give up, that’s me.”  
She had to admit he was right.  
He was more skilled then her as a future teacher, more able to interact with people, she knew his negotiating skills could always be useful in case of a crisis, and he’d be still in police.  
Henrik proposed the last swim before going home. Saga freed Hans from his warm clothing while Henrik took off his t shirt, but the baby refused to leave Saga's embrace.   
“I think he want you to come.”  
Saga looked at Henrik then at the baby, glad Hans wanted her so much; time to taste the sea..  
“Help me to unzip my shorts while I hold him, I don’t care if I wet my t shirt, I got a change.”   
They reached the sea and Hans tended his little hands to the waves and when Saga kneeled in the water he was visibly happy.   
The five minutes become more than half an hour, Astrid joined them in the low water, Henrik asked a couple passing by to take a photo. All four smiling. He decided to print and place it near the one with him, Alice and the girls. 

 

EPILOGUE 

Mads Sorensen heard cries from the corridor and a male voice that spoke soothing words. He entered the meeting room and saw Saga Noren with a baby in her arms, while Henrik Sabroe tried to distract him with a mini plush cat.  
“Milk teeth, it’s quite painful for him, I’m sorry.” Henrik explained to the lawyer.  
“No problem at all, I’m not annoyed. I’ll become a grandfather for the first time in five months, better to get used again. Please do sit down.”  
They all took places around the table, Sorensen noticed this time Saga and Henrik’s chairs were so close that each could touch their son.  
“I’m glad to see you together.”  
Henrik smiled, showing widely his tooth gap; he was tanned, like Saga, they both appeared younger.  
“Things have changed a lot since our last meeting, I’ve left active force after a serious accident, I decided my family was too important.”  
Sorensen noticed the look he gave at Saga and Hans, charged with a range of emotions impossible to separate, above all love. Saga bathed in the gaze, like a child who took her nourishment from it.   
“I’m still in police, I’ve confirmed my new role. We live in the same house now, with Astrid too.”  
“So the reason for the meeting you requested is .. a good one.”  
“Yes, we want to cancel our former agreement, there is no need to keep it now.”  
“I want to share with Henrik rights and duties regarding our son and Astrid.”


End file.
